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25 Nov 2011


There's this guy...

Politically incorrect. Brazen. Cheeky. Hilarious. Unapologetic. Handsome. Shameless.
Likes to dream that he's God's gift to womankind. 
Writes like a pro. Each individual post makes us howl. With laughter.
Still blank? This one should reveal all.
Obsessive about poop.

Yes, eternally cocky and wonderful blogger, Kalpak has decided to grace my space, guest post for me and shamelessly steal my followers (while I ignore the fact that it was ME who asked HIM to:P). 
He's someone who doesn't sugar-coat so you can rest assured that the rare compliment that comes out of his mouth, he actually means.  
And his language is impeccable. Makes me wonder why men like Atrocious Scribblings and him don't think of writing books. Or at least regular columns, articles.

Anyway, I'll shut up now and hand it over to him. 
This is a very, very typical Kalpak-post, make sure you have enough space to roll around and tissues to wipe off tears of mirth.

One advice: When your mother reads in the newspaper that Sunny Leone is going to enter the Big Boss house and she asks you ''beta, who's this Sunny Leone?'', please think a hundred times before you reply ''tch, Sunny Leone maaaaaaa''. There is but no cover up for it. It might be obvious for your peers to know Sunny Leone, but not your parents. And your ma definitely isn't stupid enough to buy 'I thought you meant Sunny Deol'

For the uninitiated, this is Sunny Leone of the Bigg Boss fame
But this incident of Sunny Leone in Big Boss house has made me realize that porn stars are people too, and good people. I recently read her interview in a newspaper and got curious about her career life. I did some background check of hers and found out she has a nice ass.

But unlike in the US, I don't think we Indians would ever be capable of looking at porn as a genuine profession and at porn stars as people.

Following is an actual incidence that occurred with me once:

I was at a friend's place and he had got some new porn, so we were watching it.

ME: Isn't this the same girl who was in that My Sister's Hot Friend wala movie?

FRIEND: Hmmmm. I don't know re. Maybe.

*Girl in the movie takes off her bra*

BOTH TOGETHER: Yup, she's the one.

See what I mean.

But it is amazing that a hardcore porn star has come to India and has participated in a reality show and has already started getting movie offers, and yet no political party is opposing it. I can understand if they're big fans of her, but c'mon guys, opposing stuff is what you were formed for. What happened to the spirit of the Indian Political parties? Just think of this as another Valentine’s Day and go out there.

That reminds me. Not so long ago when the Anna Hazare fire was burning hard inside everyone, I had participated in a morcha. Now yelling slogans is a part of any morcha, and in every morcha there's a main yeller, to whom the rest of the crowd provides chorus. And which slogan is yelled is always at the behest of the main yeller.

So in that morcha, the main yeller was stupid. Maybe that was his first time as the main yeller.

There's a typical Anna slogan which goes:

MAIN YELLER: Anna tum aage badho...

CROWD: Hum tumhare saath hain!

This crow-poop yelled it as follows:

MAIN YELLER: (in one breath, with no voice modulation whatsoever) AnnaTumAageBadhoHumTumhareSaathHain!

CROWD: (looking left-right) Okay!

And then there are morchas where at times there is just one person in the crowd, who doesn't know what to yell back in chorus.

MAIN YELLER: Anna nahi ye aandhi hai

CROWD: Desh ka doosra Gandhi hai.

ONE LOST SOUL IN THE CROWD: Doosre desh ka Gandhi hai!

Honestly speaking, I have till date never seen even a single porno of Sunny Leone, mainly because she does only girl on girl stuff. And in spite of the fact that I am a hundred and twenty percent straight dude, I feel any porn is incomplete without a normal sex scene. I feel lesbian stuff is highly overrated.

The wise philosopher and genuine literature butcher Chetan Bhagat once wrote, ‘All boys watch porn’. And this is a universal fact. It’s very pissing off for us guys when girls bring exceptions to this rule.

BOY: You know all guys watch porn. Like… ALL of them.

GIRL: Yeah I know.

BOY: That includes your brother too.

GIRL: Don’t you talk like that about my brother okay? He will never do such a thing!

If you’re a girl, and if you believe your brother/ boyfriend is a hermit, then here’s a way you can test him. In a conversation, just say this line, ‘you know my friend Priya Rai? She naa…’

If you see even the slightest hint of a smirk on his face, he definitely watches porn. If you don’t, he not only watches porn, but is really good at lying.

The bottom line is, All Boys Watch Porn.

And also, girls, all the “researches” that are published in the papers that guys who watch porn start preferring porn over actual sex is bullshit. We guys live by one motto in life, ‘Porn Jaaye par Virgin na jaaye’

And at times, the stories in these movies are really very interesting. I remember watching a porno once where I actually forwarded the sex scenes to get moving with the story.

I would genuinely like to thank the producers to Big Boss though. They have provided us guys with the perfect alibi for a few weeks.

*Door Locked*

MOTHER: *knock knock* What’re you doing beta?

SON: Watching Sunny Leone maaa.

MOTHER: *to herself* whole day watching Big Boss. Stupid child.

So enjoy watching Sunny Leone people, be it on the TV or on your laptop. 

Thank you, Kalpak, for the brilliant post. As well as insights into...erm... Pria Rai and Sunny Leone who seem to be well-endowed known indeed.  
Now that you've 'lmao-ed', go visit his empty vessel which is anything but empty.

P.S: As much as it seems like it, he did not pay me to write the good bits in the intro:P