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7 Dec 2011

FML = Fluff My Llama. You Didn't Know?

Note: The only unpublished draft I had. I'm in a particularly foul frame of mind and this was lying temptingly in the folder, so I just took the easy way out and posted it.


All of us have those moments when we wish the Earth swallowed us whole, that makes us want to melt into oblivion and wish we were never ever born. But would you believe that one person can cause destruction of mammoth proportions in her own life, image, reputation and property, single-handedly? 




So much so that she can write a whole book on it titled - FML: A Case Study of PeeVee.
(No, I'm not one of those sickos who get high on self-inflicted pain, just a sufferer of chronic mouth-in-the-foot disease)


You think I'm exaggerating? Presenting five random moments I picked out. 
(not in any order)

1) The first day in college hostel, I'm just getting acquainted with every one/thing. It's difficult enough without your entire family standing around and lifting up embarrassing things like my heart-shaped pillow and stuffed dinosaur (don't you dare!) and asking me where to put them, when I decide that I want to demonstrate that I am Bella Cullen née Swan's twin soul. What do I do? 
I trip over a bucket. Yes. A bucket. A friggin' blue bucket. 
In front of the whole corridor of my newly-made college friends(?).
Talk about social suicide.


2) After not-so-much thought and very less discussion, we decide to go to my 'esteemed and highly reputed' college for admission interviews. It's a good one and half hour long ride and I settle down, not nervous at all, with three packets of Hide-and-Seek biscuits. Yes. Three. 
Have I mentioned that I have motion sickness?  
Anyway, I am wonderfully excited about the college. Why? Their curriculum is the best in the country. Because the grapevine said that there are really cute guys there. Yes. Cute guys.

So what do I do when I spot three Greek Gods standing near the turning of the college? Smile coyly, bring out the attitude, stare with my mouth open. 
I puke. I puke my guts out, all three guys witness to the mangled remains of all three packets of Hide and Seek coming out the wrong way.
Didn't help in the least bit that Dad stopped the car right in front of them.


3) Four years ago, we had a horde of cats at our place. When one of the kittens got stuck in the tree, I didn't hesitate to hitch up that skirt and climb the tree to rescue it, all in the name of humanity and compassion towards animals.


Just my luck that I get stuck in the tree after the old ladder cracked under my hippo weight. And you know what was delightful about it? That I remained stuck there till my family got home, called the neighbors for a new ladder and helped me down a good hour and a half later.
All the while, a small crowd was collecting outside our gate to look at 'the girl in the tree'.


Needless to say, I never talked to that kitten again. Ever. 


4) In high school, a (reasonably cute) guy comes and gives me chocolates for his birthday. The key point here is that he gives me a Perk XXL and the rest of the class toffees (don't judge him:P). 
So what do I think? That he has a crush on me.
And what do I do? Promptly start crushing on him.


Bad part. When I think that the crush is serious. To the extent that I sing 'Zara, zara..' and 'Tere bin..' to him in my head. (What? Hormonal teenager filled with angst and shit ok?)
Worse part. Someone tells me that it was my ex who told the guy to give me the chocolate on his behalf. Wtf.
Worst part. He falls head over heels for my friend. AND they start going out.


If this isn't a FML moment, nothing else is.


5) Class is going on. As usual. Very informative *yawn* lecture. As usual. And we're all texting away to glory. As usual. 
My guy is, unfortunately, a fan of sleeping in class. So I'm trying to prod him awake with slightly racy texts (ahem!:P) while texting five people other people.


Yeah, you guessed right. I sent the text meant for him to his friend.
I didn't even realize it till he caught my eye across the class and sniggered. 
How I wish it was just a normal 'I love you' or some such.
Agreed that we all type without looking but are there any other fools like me who send without looking as well?
And no I'm not going to tell you what it was either, so don't ask.


What did I tell you?
You can't make this shit up. 






P.S: Now that I have finished crapping all over my exams papers, I can post with my screaming regularity that everyone seems to be talking about.
P.P.S: December is here, you know. It's the Month of the Reindeer, you know. Please tell me you noticed all the snow on the page. And btw, where the fuck did the rest of 2011 go :| 
P.P.S.S: I apologize profusely to those I have promised a guest post to and haven't sent them yet. Chandana, you top the list. I'm so very sorry, I have been swamped am a lazy, stupid procrastinator and I'll send them in soon. Sorry:(


Edit: To the Grammar Nazis who drop by (read: Spiff, Darsh and any others lurking in the dark corners), do consider giving me a break about crappy punctuation this time-_-