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12 Dec 2011

The Subtle Winds Of Change...



I sit here in my over-sized comfy tee listening to the wind wreak havoc on the plants outside. I keep the drapes down but the all-permeating chill still manages to creep through me, an involuntary shiver running through my hunched up body. I can’t call him either, he’s too far, too removed from my life now.

I reach out for the teddy bear mug, my favorite, and find myself thinking how clich├ęd it is. All my adult life I have been defending myself from being categorized as ‘girly’ but almost every possession of mine screams out ‘girly’ in not-so-dulcet tones. 

But I don’t faint when I see cute actors, I get excited with shopping only if the time is right, I don’t have to try to NOT be blonde. I detest pink, I don’t like taking photos of myself because I look dreadful in all of them, I definitely do not go squeaky… but maybe that’s a thought for another day.

The milky coffee is hot enough to burn my tongue just a little bit. I like it that way. I never could stand lukewarm anything. It’s either boiling hot or freezing. It’s all or nothing. My thoughts wander. The cursor blinks awaiting instructions like a tiny little genie awaiting orders.

Silence. Silence as loud as a rock concert. It seems to be pressing at me from all sides. But somehow I like it.

I relish solitude these days. I like being by myself. I like the silence that solitude brings with it. I seem to have changed somehow. Planes shifting within me, subtly changing who I am, what I stand for.

I seem to have left behind the version 1.0 and evolved into someone else, version 2.0 perhaps. The old me would have been miserable without anyone to talk to, without a life outside this life. She would have cried lonely tears, ranted and raved till she got what she wanted. Till all became well with the world. But me?  I’m happy satisfied with what I have. I stop expecting, I stop reacting. I wait for it to come to me before I make a decision, rather than be trade markedly impulsive.

Maybe this was always me and I hid behind who I wanted to be.
Maybe this was a change that was a process rather than a happening.
Maybe it’s my reaction to all that happened this year, good and bad.
I know not and I’m proud to say I care not, either.

I still love chocolate, though, much to my own surprise and nobody else’s. A Milkybar Choo can still make me smile even in the loneliest of times. Maybe I haven’t changed that much after all.



And this one goes out to someone who'll know it's for them: 

"You should not try to force someone to be with you,
especially when you know that your being there doesn't make a difference."
- as tweeted by Red Handed

P.S: I'd promised myself I wouldn't write abstract posts. This, I couldn't help. Bear with me.
P.S: It's not sadness, it's melancholy.