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9 Feb 2012

Letting Go

I hold onto the railing, not very tight though. The scene below mesmerizes me... True, the view from the heights is beautiful, breathtaking. I see twinkling lights, all but ants to me, whizzing along with their own agenda, to their own time. The wind whooshes through my hair, making me heady with feeling, filling my lungs up with pure, unadulterated euphoria. 


I wonder. What it'll feel like. To let go. To feel the hurt, the pain, the desolation. To have darkness creep in and rob my ability to feel happy, to smile. To let go of all that kept me safe, all that I love and find comfort in and plunge unto the crevasse that sucking me in slowly even otherwise.  To have my brains splattered all over the pavement. 


Then I laugh at my own brainlessness, how will I feel when I don't got no life?  


But then, you know what will be worth it? The split second that I'm whooshing down. The split second in which my whole life supposedly flashes across my mind's eye. The swift flash of my lithe body down the side of the building that will make my eyes water, I'm sure that's the closest I will ever get to flying. I'm delighted at the thought. 


I can almost see myself, body prone on the asphalt, limbs askew, my new Levi's Curve ID splattered with my own B+, the smile on my face; can you smile in death, I wonder?  Maybe they'll have an investigation, maybe they'll bring in Beckett. Maybe Richard will come too. 
HAH! I have been wasting too much time on the telly. Time that I should have spent planning this better, I think.


I contemplate once more, all that I am leaving behind. Its a raw deal for I can see their tears of shock and desolation, I hurt inside for them, for the pain I will cause to them. I know I must have done something right to deserve that much. But the raw deal is a done deal for me. What must be done, must be done.


Deep breath. 
Clammy hands.
One last look down.


Letting the cold metal go. 


The whoosh never came. 
I look back up, shivering with the impact of what I was going to do. 
I see your face. 


"I'm never letting go, even if you do."


P.S: I have NO clue what this is all about.