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10 Jul 2013

Traffic 101

So, I have been on the roads since I got my LLR almost a decade back (gosh, I'm old!:O) and what I love about this country and the cities I have ridden in is their complete lack of respect for any kind of traffic rules. That's what makes the roads so organized and driving/riding such a pleasure not to mention a breeze for beginners to learn and complete lack of accidents and mishaps. And there are never ever ever EVER any traffic jams anywhere in the country at all, especially not in Mumbai and Bangalore. Hats off to us!!


So I'm proceeding to list out a few pointers for all those who drive/ride on any Indian road.

10_ Learn to use the horn. Honk liberally. So what if the signal is red and the person in front is as stuck as you are. SIT ON THE GODDAMN HORN. The louder, the longer, the better. And if someone gives you a dirty look for honking too much, honk straight into their face.

9_ At signals, when you need to turn left, make sure that you inch in from the extreme right, as far away from the turning as possible. And when the light turns green, cut off an entire road full of vehicles to get to the other side.

8_ Bully all vehicles smaller than yours. If you're in a Sumo, edge the Activa guy off the road even when you have space. If you're on an Activa, honk the living daylights out of the cyclist and give him a very disgusted look as you pass by. He has no right, riding that piece of junk in this motorized world.

7_ Women drivers/riders are the best in the world. Maa kasam. And the entire world is on our side; nobody checks our licenses, we can drive/ride exactly as we please, overtake left right and centre, road rules gaye bhaad main and all that we need to get out of trouble is a few tears, heartfelt apologies and eye flutters, we can get away with even killing the black buck.

6_ NEVER ever let the other guy pass. Who cares if you have space enough for an elephant to perform a ballet, its a matter of your pride that you don't let him pass. Sonofabitch can wait for his wife's delivery.

5_ Don't bother investing in a helmet; why waste 800 odd bucks (that too for cheap ones) for one bulky, ugly helmet just to mess up your perfect hair. Ensuring that your perm or gelling remains intact is more important than preventing your brains from being splattered.

4_ Take off all the rear view mirrors on your vehicle, they are pretty useless anyway and don't really add to the sleek look, especially if its a bike.

3_ Always, ALWAYS overtake other vehicles as per your convenience. You own the road, have that confidence in your heart as you overtake that stupid car from the left as the bus overtakes him from the right. Or, you could yourself one better and overtake on ghat roads or hair pin bends at high speed as well. Like they say, speed thrills.

2_ In a traffic jam, compete with 25 other people to be the first to get out of there. Doesn't really matter that if you hold on for another five minutes, the entire jam itself can be sorted out - you HAVE to be the first one to leave, no matter what.

1_ And my personal favorite - When an ambulance has its lights on and is wailing, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT let it pass under any circumstances. You getting to the movies on time is more important than the guy within who's losing brain and body function. But if the ambulance somehow does manage to sneak past you, ensure that you stay right behind it and let it clear the traffic for you, because there are some morons on the road who'll actually let the ambulance pass. HAHA, the fools.

And as much as possible, be high, one way or the other, when you drive. Enhances your driving skills.

P.S: I think now that, if I die prematurely, it might just not be of over indulgence but because my BP will spike causing a heart attack when I'm shaking my fist at someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about road rules which exist for a reason. 

 P.P.S: Please get the sarcasm, it all sounds very wrong if you don't get the sarcasm.