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22 Apr 2014

S - Secret

So let me tell you one. I have another online identity.

You remember a time I was all depressed and I couldn’t string together two sentences together that would make sense because I lost my muse? And then that phase wore on into one of anger against some people? You didn’t notice? Yeah, that’s because I decided this place, this blog, has become so sacred to me that I wouldn’t want to desecrate it with bitching and negativity. Some of it did spill over here but I managed to contain majority of it, so no damage done.

So made myself a nice little nook, online. I don’t follow anyone. No one follows me. And that is the one place, the one thing that has really seen me as me. The stark naked truth without the layers of paint I put on for the sake of seeming normal to society. I wonder if there is another soul who knows me as well. I don’t obsess over what I write there, no pictures, no nothing. I’m not regular, don’t feel the need to be. I generally don’t talk about people. Just plain honesty, written when it is something I can’t share with people – moments of doubt, insecurity, pain. And once I’m done posting, I’m slightly happier, the load usually lifts.

While on most days I am not bothered, there are times when I’m terrified that someone I know will find it.  

Then why am I sharing its existence here? Because it was a toss between sex and secret for ‘S’ and I still haven’t made up my mind about the former. Heehee.Jokes apart, I’m sharing it here because I want your opinion on something: while I don’t have too many deep, dark secrets in my life that at least a couple of people don’t know about, I still don’t trust my own judgement to take a person, another human being, into complete confidence. As need be, I do show my vulnerabilities, but never completely and never to one person. 

What does that say about me? Normal? Or major trust issues?