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9 Sep 2015

Only I Can Write A Saga on Doors.

Note: Before I start, let me make something very clear: I do NOT need anyone to open the door for me. Nor do I mind it when someone does, as a gentlemanly gesture, I chalk it down to chivalry which is a nice thing, something that us, feminists, seem to have forgotten.


Getting  to the loo at work is an obstacle race of sorts – two bio metric doors + one swing door + stall door stand between me and sweet release. And considering I’ve decided not to be a camel (and go for several days on just 500 ml of water), I’m close to mastering the obstacle race. It can be safely assumed that such mastery comes with a fair deal of running into people at the aforementioned doors, if you hadn’t guessed.
HOW MANY DRAGONS DOES MY BLADDER HAVE TO SLAY BEFORE IT CAN ACHIEVE PEACE? 
My point is: you can tell the kind of person a person is by their behavior toward/ treatment of people they meet at doors. Based on extensive study conducted during the self-imposed hell that is peeing three million times a day, the following categories emerged:

1) The Nice Ones: (why am I capitalizing? no idea, but go on) These are the ones who hold the door open after they go through regardless of the sex of the person behind them. They are just plain nice. That’s all. No hidden agenda. No betrayal you have to prepare for.


2) The Stupid Cows: These are the (I’m sorry to say) women who think it is their birthright to have other people open doors for them. So when you beep in, they will sashay/ waddle right through it – who gives a cow’s bottom about manners. With such people, it is important that you set boundaries and make a statement by taking a leaf out of Barry Allen’s book and rushing through the door right after you beep in without giving them a chance to realize that the light is green OR they will start taking you for granted and you will remain standing at the door that you opened until the entire posse/ herd has passed through. Downside? If your boss is strict about break timings, there goes five precious minutes of drink-tea-while-looking-thoughful-but-in-reality-brain-is-just-addled-from-all-the-candy-crush-played-instead-of-having-worked time.


3) The Imma-Whoop-Their-Ass Numbskulls: These are those intelligent people with all the IQ of 350 minus 350 who beep in, open the door, walk through, and let the door make chapatti out of the next person’s nose. What is wrong with walking off, you ask? Nothing much, except when you KNOW that there is someone RIGHT BEHIND YOU. Common courtesy can take a hike to Bananaland, for all he/ she cares).


4) Not-worth-making-up-a-name-for-ers: They are MEN who make women beep in and then walk in FIRST without waiting for them to move past, and THEN let the door (that she beeped in) bang on her face. Courtesy AND chivalry can go take a hike. And fall off a cliff. And lie there injured for 120 hours. And die a painful death because HE DOESN’T CARE.


Guess which one I just encountered on my two millionth pee break.