29 Oct 2009

For a lifetime...

“Baby…. Like you had Vipul… I had someone one else too…. Aditi”

She kept reading the text again and again like she couldn’t understand English. Everything stopped in time and space. Her nightmare had come true.

“Baby, u der?”…. “V were goin out 4 lik two months, v realized v wer not ryt 4 each other and spilt up.”….”Baby, I’m sry, I shud’ve told u dis b4”…. He kept on sending texts, she couldn’t bring herself to type.

Weirdly, all that was going on in her head was that he had pinky-promised when she asked him if he had had someone back in Dubai.
She knew the actual part of him having an ex- didn’t matter, well, she had one herself, didn’t she…

But it kept rankling with her that he hadn’t trusted her enough to tell her, hadn’t trusted her love for him enough to tell her earlier.
She knew he was freaking out without being able to call her… he’d jus finished all his balance on her.

“Jus go 2 sleep, v’ll tok abt it tom”….. she knew he wouldn’t listen. She lay down looking out of the window hearing the storm that wasn’t there. She thought about why it mattered to her. He had made it clear that it was over, proved again and again that he loved her to bits but it still mattered that her chakkara had said ‘I love you’ to an Aditi before.

The girl who had given her a FB request three days ago.
She probably would know about me and him… our pictures were all over our profiles.
I wondered if she cared. If it mattered.

The rational side told her it didn’t matter. But there was an imaginary hole where her stomach had been.
“I luv u”….. she didn’t reply. She realized she wasn’t being fair. But it would never be the same.

Her phone rang, ‘the stars are holding you, holding you, tonight’…their song…. Seemed like an eon back.
Unknown number. It was him.

She picked it up. “Baby, please….”, “I know I should have told you, I made a mistake”
“I asked you…. Gazillion times”
“Baby, I’m sorry, I thought I’d lose you….. I love you… U know that”
“Baby, say something” His voice broke.
“What do you want me to say”. He hated that sentence and she knew it. She still said it.
She knew he would never hurt her on purpose… he was too giving for that. He loved her too much. But the trust. She cut the call.
Both of them didn’t sleep that night.

She got ready fast in the morning, skipped breakfast and went to the class fast. She didn’t text him.
He came sat next to her. “I’m sorry”. She kept getting visions of him with another girl. She couldn’t look him in the eye.

It was killing him. He was regretting it. She could see it. For the first time since they got together, things were awkward between them.
He said ‘I love you’…. She said it back in her head, he waited.

He was still her chakkara. He didn’t deserve to be punished or hurt like this. Hadn’t he accepted her with open arms with her issues and emo baggage? He didn’t deserve anger or hurt for being honest. She was lucky to get him…. Her other half… almost literally. Few people were that lucky.

“I love you too, honey….”
Both of them were in tears. They knew nothing had changed. Nothing ever would.

Dedicated to Ducky.
U mean the world, baby.

12 Oct 2009

A Mixed Bag

An attempt to profile the typecast ‘roomies’….

The Warrior:
This is the ‘it’ girl…..full of confidence and a burning desire to be in the centre. Achieving is in her blood. Eternally lazy (and no apologies about it) and on the ‘quakative’ side, she’ll do anything for those who she believes are her true friends. With opinions on almost everything, she believes in ‘work hard, party much… much harder’. Also one of the few ones to attract trouble from a mile away and mature beyond her years, this is the kind guys call their ‘best bud’. It takes a LOT to please her.

The Indigenous Indian:
The good one, picking up clothes, books and what-not after the others, is very family-oriented. Runs off home the first chance she gets and has no problem spending ALL her time with the family. The ‘mother-hen’ of the brood and she’s the reason the rest of them make it on time to class in the morning. Anything to be done has to be done IMMEDIATELY. She’s the one you automatically go to for a hug. But don’t you underestimate her; with a tongue razor-sharp, she doesn’t take flak from anybody…. Rub her the wrong way and she’ll reduce you to tears of frustration in seconds.

The Whining Star:
Spoilt rotten by the parents and still living in the 3 century BCE, this one is innocent to the point of irritating. Very methodical but harum-scarum and very clean but untidy, this one gets depressed that the others don’t like her but doesn’t realize it’s her own behavior that’s makes them run for their lives. At some point, you start feeling sorry for her and try to include her in the melee but most of the time the effort ends up blowing up in your own face.

Last, but definitely not the least by ANY means

The Pinksy-Winksy:
The happy-go-lucky one gets into scrapes ALL the time with her spit-fire temper, and trusts easily. The emotional fool has ‘good intentioned’ plans for everyday but rarely do things work out according to the plan. Likes an order to things, likes to be in control…. ‘unexpected’ is her least favorite word. Dreams big, easily pleased and never compromises with core values. Immature and impulsive, she learns things the hard way.

The world is their niche……

5 Oct 2009

The ‘right’ thing to do

In life, how will we know that the decisions that we taken (the ones that matter anyway) are the right ones?

For example, we decide to move to a foreign land with our family on a permanent visa after 15 years of dreaming of it (and quitting a perfectly stable, well-paying and permanent post) though we know that there is no job waiting for us there and nobody even remotely close to family or friends. How do we know if it is the right decision to actually live the dream?

Or we take a decision to pursue something that’s opposite to what we planned for, dreamt of. Change our whole lives based on a hunch that plan A might be better than plan B; how do we know that plan B is what we are supposed to be doing in the first place?

Or fall in love. How do we know that this is the person we are supposed to spend the rest of our lives with? How do we know that we’ll have the same romance, beautiful and lasting beyond death, which our grandparents have? How do we know that it is not the biggest miscalculation that we ever made?

How do we decide to leave behind family and friends when they need us the most, just because we think we can do more for them by leaving than staying and know that is what we are meant to do, rather than be with them?
How can we make sure that we are doing what God wants us to; what he has written for us??

The thing is, we CAN’T know. We just have to take a deep breath, just do it and get it over with…. More importantly, live with it afterward. If we are lucky and have been true to our conscience, the happiness comes. Otherwise, rot in personal hell...

:D Ok…maybe not hell, but certainly with the knowledge of what could have been and what made the difference were the decisions we made.