23 Feb 2012

Things People Shouldn't Do....

1).... Wait till the battery is 1% to plug in your phone for charging.  The power might just go off, you know. And if you have the kinda luck I do, then automatically assume that the power WILL go off.

2).... Procrastinate going to the loo because your favorite scene is playing on telly. Accidents happen. Ones that you won't even be able to justify.

3).... Not keep back-ups of everything you own. Digitally speaking, that is. One wrong link clicked, one 'bad sector' in the hard disk, one teeny mistake - POOF! Every single song you painstakingly downloaded, every GA episode you love, every Word doc with your entire life's worth of 'outpourings', every assignment you caffeinated yourself for... Gone. Erased without a trace. 

4).... Take someone for granted. They might just decide NOT to be your doormat anymore. They might decide to just up their behind and leave. And then you'll sit there and be amazed at the 'them' shaped hole in your life that sucks all the happiness out of you.

5).... Fight with your better half and then try to get even by staying up till three a.m. talking to every member of the opposite sex you can think of. One word for anyone who thinks it's a solution. UNCOOL. And I will only congratulate your better half for have a screaming match with/dumping you. 

6).... Philosophize too much (especially when you're in your twenties and thirties. Or younger). Why? People start thinking you are going through a bad phase. They bring you fruit to alleviate the unhappiness. And sympathy. And lots of long, slanty looks. 

Most of all, people shouldn't lie. O.k, maybe 'lie' is a blanket term. What I mean is that I get when you're lying because you've bad grades or you broke the best crystal vase or about a missed assignment or being late because of last night's party or forgotten deadline. I get that. 

It's when people lie about inconsequential things that I don't understand. Those small white lies which have no real consequence except make you seem the way you want to seem. Fleeting words strung together just that second to make people believe your fake point. Lies that people don't bother hauling you up about because they are that small. What pleasure do you get in getting people to believe in your white lies? Not like they matter. Not to you, not to them, not to anyone... except in that one second before someone changes the topic.

I don't get it.

O.k, I admit, the rest of the post was a ruse to write about all the lying. But I realized suddenly just how much some people do it and I can't talk to anyone about it. I scared a couple of clueless souls with all my restless, disjointed sentences about liars and left them wondering if I had finally gone over to the dark side.  

The frustration wanted an outlet and thereby the blog post. 

O.k, I'm done here. The ones who snoozed can wake up and leave. Bbye.

21 Feb 2012



For a long time, I and Change have had issues. Change meant loss of familiarity, loss of the comfortable-ness, loss of patterns and schedules that I work so hard to create. And that scared me beyond all reason, I was afraid that any semblance of order that I have in my life would go flying out of the window and the ruckus that will prevail then will lead to failure. 
To losing my ability to do it right. I wrote a post about how the change that looms large is weighing heavy on my head and heart. Outwardly, I chin-upped at Change and said, bring it on. Inwardly, I trembled like aspen in a storm. I was afraid of giving up control.

Right down to when I got obsessively compulsive about little things like re-installing my OS for fear that I would lose everything I worked so hard to compile.

Then, change brought good things. Change showed me that love doesn't have to hurt all the time. That accepting your faults can be a good thing. That apologizing even when it's not your fault can save my own mind from going around in eternal circles. Change can make a best friend out of a mother whom I claimed had never 'understood' me.

Change shakes things up when they have settled down to make sludge. Change keeps the flame alive, change keeps things interesting. Change kicks monotony's ass. Change inspires. 

Change can be a good thing too.

13 Feb 2012

The Road I Failed To Take

Haven't we all had people in our lives who leave behind a faint sense of dissatisfaction for not having truly spoken to them about everything that mattered? Haven't we all had at least one person in our lives who we don't even know properly but have always had the feeling that we would have been good friends, if either of you had only taken the pain to let go of the ego and extend that hand? That someone who has misunderstood you grossly and you have made the same mistake with equal vigor, parted with not so much as a passing glance and then had it come back and irk you in some small way?

(If you haven't, then GAH! to you)

This goes out to one person who I had a lot of faith in, the key word here being had.

I thought you were the sensible one, the one who has the sense to be objective. But more than that, I felt we were friends. Not the close kind of bffs, but the kinds who run into each other in Forum ten years from now and have coffee over how much life has changed. 

But I guess the feeling wasn't mutual. Ah well.

But the thing is, I am worried. Just a little bit though.
Worried that the same friends who you hold close to your heart and fight tooth and nail for are the same ones who never thought twice about calling you that without a moment's hesitation. That too, in front of me. The 'opposition'.
Their poison has already got to you. Don't let them catch you unawares though. 

You think you are always one step ahead? Little do you realise that I withdrew long back. I have been sitting on the sidewalk watching you trying to outsmart yourself... Trip all over your own two feet. 
I considered you a worthy adversary till you played dirty. You stooped down instead of rising up to challenge my very existence. I was just disappointed that you didn't. 

I still have a soft corner for you, somehow. In spite of the unnecessary dirty looks and the conspiracies. 
But you have lost my respect and regard. 
Not that it matters to either of us but still... Like Wordsworth, someday I shall sit on my couch in a pensive mood and contemplate, not daffodils, but a friendship that withered before it bloomed. 

This is mostly because you have helped me calculate my GPA every time. This is almost entirely because you taught me what a Chi Square is when I most needed it. 

Thank you.

P.S: A very happy valentine's day to all those who are hell-bent on celebrating it, but be safe and keep yourselves far away from any violently mental anti-love people. I ceased to believe in the 'magic of St. Valentine' a coupla years back, though. And yes, I don't like being predictable in case y'all were expecting full on mush post :P

9 Feb 2012

Letting Go

I hold onto the railing, not very tight though. The scene below mesmerizes me... True, the view from the heights is beautiful, breathtaking. I see twinkling lights, all but ants to me, whizzing along with their own agenda, to their own time. The wind whooshes through my hair, making me heady with feeling, filling my lungs up with pure, unadulterated euphoria. 

I wonder. What it'll feel like. To let go. To feel the hurt, the pain, the desolation. To have darkness creep in and rob my ability to feel happy, to smile. To let go of all that kept me safe, all that I love and find comfort in and plunge unto the crevasse that sucking me in slowly even otherwise.  To have my brains splattered all over the pavement. 

Then I laugh at my own brainlessness, how will I feel when I don't got no life?  

But then, you know what will be worth it? The split second that I'm whooshing down. The split second in which my whole life supposedly flashes across my mind's eye. The swift flash of my lithe body down the side of the building that will make my eyes water, I'm sure that's the closest I will ever get to flying. I'm delighted at the thought. 

I can almost see myself, body prone on the asphalt, limbs askew, my new Levi's Curve ID splattered with my own B+, the smile on my face; can you smile in death, I wonder?  Maybe they'll have an investigation, maybe they'll bring in Beckett. Maybe Richard will come too. 
HAH! I have been wasting too much time on the telly. Time that I should have spent planning this better, I think.

I contemplate once more, all that I am leaving behind. Its a raw deal for I can see their tears of shock and desolation, I hurt inside for them, for the pain I will cause to them. I know I must have done something right to deserve that much. But the raw deal is a done deal for me. What must be done, must be done.

Deep breath. 
Clammy hands.
One last look down.

Letting the cold metal go. 

The whoosh never came. 
I look back up, shivering with the impact of what I was going to do. 
I see your face. 

"I'm never letting go, even if you do."

P.S: I have NO clue what this is all about. 

2 Feb 2012

The Month That Was.. January '12

A month with the family, one long over due. 
A month of the new phone and almost fainting when I got it. 
A month of lots and lots and lots of work but getting nothing done.

A month of not keeping in touch with people. 
A month of questionnaire distribution (oh which is still happening, so if anyone feels like filling up a longass questionnaire for my research project, or have any friends you want to take revenge on, do let me know; you'll be doing me a great service, to say the least).

A month when a person I had admired, a teacher no less, lied to save her skin and fell off the pedestal I had put her on.
A month I learnt the value of being healthy. A month I fell sick more times than I care to remember (by the way, don't be sorry for me, I like all the attention when I fall sick :P)
A month that has made me wonder if people think of me as conceited, brazen, self-assured or over-confident when I'm really the opposite and come across the wrong, wrong way.

A month that started blogging elsewhere anonymously just because I wasn't able to keep up with the expectations I created here. A month I almost closed down this blog and switched to WP because they have an very handy app (you hear, Blogger?) A month I kept thinking twice about why I blog (no, not another blogger crisis) when I have to keep in mind always that the wrong people might be reading it.

A month I decided to let the number game go, but maybe only because I have enough.

A month that came to a close all too soon, leaving me one month less to battle with the demons of leaving my cozy nest. 

January, you have give Ms. 12 a fiery kickstart. Thank you.

February, how YOU doin'? ;)