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28 Aug 2011

Metathesiophobia

No, I did not die and abandon my blog, I was just busy battling a block and no, that's not an excuse either.

Anyway.

You know the feeling when you suddenly realize that things are changing wayyyy too fast for you to have any control over and there is nothing - NOTHING - that you can do about it?


Well, guess who got acquainted with Mr. Aforementioned Feeling yesterday.

You might well say that life is supposed to be like that and that change is the only changeless law but I will hear only yadayadayada because I love control. I love having control over my life and it's entailments.
So correspondingly, I hate that there are things that I can't change and have no control over, it's always been my bone of contention with God saar.

Cause of realization?
Two things:

1) My seniors' convocation. No, I was not there for the actual thing, it was held conveniently on the weekend we were due home but it made me realize that same time next year I will be attending my own convocation. While the event itself is not scary in the least bit (why would it be?), the fact that by that time, I'd have to know what I want to do with my life IS scaring the living shit out of me.

I know I sound like a directionless, spoilt teen but let me assure you I'm none of the three. It's just the fact that I have decided not to go onto PG like the rest of my class, so starting work, being an adult, is making me nervous, to say the least.
And the fact that I have less than a year to make those life-changing decisions makes me want to curl up into a tight ball like a porcupine and poke anybody who even mentions anything related. Poke them REAL hard.

2) Posts by Red and TayTay about their little brothers growing up have brought up all my fears about my own irritating version of a brother to the surface. He's 12 going on 13 and is already as tall as me, knows much more than me and is constantly beating me at NFS. Only seems like yesterday that he was a wheezing ball of cuddliness (who I used to steal Cerelac from, I know, I'm evil that way) and now he doesn't even let me hug him or meet his friends from school.

He talks to me about his PC like a grown-up, breaks my record of finishing HP and the Deathly Hallows every week and locks the door to his room.

I'm petrified.

I have already lost one brother (cousin) to a semi-mohawk, a voice that is as deep as my uncle's, low-waists and 6-feet-tallness. I don't think I'll live through another one of those drastic changes.
And I don't even want to think about when my princess, my baby sister, grows up.

What can I do to stop the race of time and freeze them all the way they are? So that they never grow up, never lose their innocence, never feel the hurt that the world has in store for them? I'll do anything.

P.S: Incase you didn't guess, metathesiophobia is the fear of change.