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27 Jun 2013

Hospital Chronicles #1

When people say love is a weakness, I never believed it. I wondered how the strongest positive emotion that anyone can feel can become something that will disable them. 

Turns out, it is. 

As as it happens, I'm pretty useless when it comes to my mother. She is that single, most important person for whom I should be willing and able to do anything but apparently only the former is true. I'm only willing, my existence is pointless when it comes to doing something for her when she really needs it. 

She's in the hospital for surgery now; Inshallah she will be out of here before the week ends. 

But when it came to being strong enough to be her rock, I'm ashamed to say I folded faster than a pack of cards. She can't depend on me when she is weak for I can't bear to see her like that. I. Just. Can't. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm capable - I can do anything else, everything else for her. If I don't know, I will learn. I can run the household, take care of the dogs and cats, look into insurance, check the administrative blabla, call the nurse and whatnot but when she needs someone, family, next to her to assure her that everything is okay, I am useless. If I end up being by her side, she'll be the one doing the assuring and I'll be shamelessly weeping my face off. 

So I'll plug my earphones in, update nonsense on Facebook, share songs like crazy on #nwplying, play Snoopy Coaster and whatsapp everyone in the world to pretend that everything is alright with my world. Lying to my own mind that everything is just fine and praying real, real hard. Because the alternative is not anything that I even want to think about.

Crux of the matter, I hope I don't love anyone as much. Not now, not ever. For this kind of love makes me weak when I want to be the rock that she can lean on anytime, any day.