31 Oct 2014

Venturing Into The Unknown: Chronicles

One fine day, my colleague comes and tells me there is a dance class/aerobics thingy right next to the office for reasonable monthly costs. Point to be noted, she stressed more on the ‘dance’ bit and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. To cut a long story of me slowly heading towards obesity short, I ended up joining.

*Just to give you some background, I wake up at 7.30, work a 9-6 sedentary job, go back home, have dinner and sleep and that is the extent of my ‘physical activity’; the most exercise I get is when I lift my hand from my plate and put food in my mouth. I’m guessing jumping around in the shower doesn’t count as part of it.*

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So on a fine Thursday evening, fighting my OCD about starting on Mondays or the 1sts of a month, I slip on my sporty shoes, haul on a pair of borrowed pink pants, find the largest tee I can find (to hide all the loving handles) and ambled off to the studio. I discovered several things, one of which is that I have the stamina of half a peanut, that also one of those blackened, ugh ones. Half a jump and I'm already huffing.

Some other random things/observations/whatchamacallit:

1)    We have a different instructor for each day of the week. None of who believe in warm-ups or cool-downs. Which invariably results in me getting a very painful stitch on one side and spending 80% of the class bent over double, grunting through the pain. While seemingly everyone else, including the 50-something-year-old, keeps up.

2)    This is the first time in my life that I’m not the teacher’s pet (yes, I am/was a nerd, we all have pasts, okay?) but the uncoordinated buffoon in the background who gets everything wrong, turns left when everyone is turning right and basically is the bull in the La Opala shop. The knowledge hurts.
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3)    There is no graceful or feminine way of exercising/doing aerobics. You will look like a grandma doing her own version of zulsa™ (Zumba+salsa) to the music in her head, but you will have to deal with it, accept the fact that you will never look like Deepika Padukone when SHE works out.

4)    Hot instructors are NOT a myth. My Wednesday Woman has a butt that is just.perfect., hair that has just the right amount of curl, big, beautiful eyes and dance moves which would make Travolta proud. And she wears the cutest exercise-pants-thingies and racerbacks. Oh my, my. I don’t think I have to spell it out that I have a HUGE girl crush on her. Smitten, I am.

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I kid you not, she looks like this, except for the dark eye makeup and the blonde hair.

5)    I have robots in my class (who are skinny, little skanks who are snooty and uppity [but this might just be my jealousy talking], so I don’t know what they are doing there in the first place). Why ‘robots’, you ask? (Even if you didn't ask, I'll tell you) Because they pick up steps in less than a second and keep going for 55 minutes without even stopping. Every twist is rightly done, every kick is perfectly executed. Just to give you comparison, I pick up steps only in the last rep and keep going for all of 5 minutes before I stop, panting like an excited Labrador. Makes me wonder if they ARE actually robots.

6)    This is the worst part - I sweat like it’s nobody’s business. And it IS nobody business. Hardly two minutes into the class and my tee is soaked through and through. I kid you not. By the time I leave I look like someone played the bucket-on-the-door prank on me. While people tell me this is a good thing and fat is burning and crow is cawing and all, I look like I lifted some fifty weights and did some major workout, when all I did was jump uncoordinatedly around, pointing my toe at the wrong times. Also, the robots? They don't break a sweat... they are just... dewy. WTF?

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Bonus point: All the ‘next days’ of the first week? Anything I moved, except probably my eyes and teeth, hurt like a muthaphakin’ muthaphaccer, making me aware of muscles and parts of the body that I didn’t know I had.

All in all, I be in a dilemma. I love food. I can't stress that enough. And exercise is a bitch. I can't stress that enough either. But still, I have hope that someday… someday I might be as stamin-ous (like I have said before, I reserve the right to make up my own words on my blog) as my Wednesday Woman.

But that day is definitely not today. Sigh.

P.S: And I have people like her on my feed who are so hot and live such healthy lives that I feel guilty drinking even water. P.P.S: Gah.. don't laugh.
P.P.S.S: God created food. For people to eat. Man created exercise. It is unnatural. (Just some excuses that I make up to feel better about skipping class on Tuesdays when there is a MONSTER instructor who makes me pick up 2.5 kgs in each hand and squat-walk all the way across the room. Six times. Like I said, MONSTER.)
P.P.P.S.S: HAPPY HALLOWEEN, y'all. Go watch Annabelle.
 

17 comments:

  1. Does ROTFL count as exercise? :P

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    1. Depends on how long you roll :P Directly proportional to calories burnt :D

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  2. *Books the Wednesday session* :P

    Haha, crow is crawling. I laughed like anything (in office) :P.

    Awesome post, as usual. :)
    How do you do that? Be so awesome? Me very jealous. :P

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    1. Get in line, there are atleast ten men I know, waiting for a slot :P

      Heehee, I yam glad..
      Thank you :P It is a secret, I'll tell you if you make me chocolate fudge :P

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    2. Oh No. :P

      Wow.
      Chocolate fudge coming right up. :P

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  3. I was ROFL....
    Because this reminded me of my attempts to learn yoga. It was a time when i anaroxic and yet due to my zeal to learn yoga, i joined under a Guruji. I was super skinny, yet could not flexible. But, there were fat women who were rubber-like...

    Guruji used to tease, that everyone wants to be slim like you and you want to be flexible like them.

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    1. HAHAHA... Now I'M rofling :P rubber-like, it seems :P

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  4. Oh. I sweat like it's nobody's business. And it IS nobody's business :)

    I like that. But some people do make it their business unfortunately.

    That's one major reason why I don't get tricked into an aerobics class. What if I flood the room? :P

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    1. Ah kindred soul! You understand what I'm talking about :P

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  5. I'm one of the few who takes hell loads of time to sweat it out. You sweating out within couple of minutes is a good thing! Think of how fast the fat is melting off your body ;) And yes, there is no dignified way to do aerobics unless you look like the chick in the pic :D

    Saw Annabelle. Liked it but was a bit disappointed that it was not as scary as Conjuring. Maybe it's just me!

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    1. Really? We're literally at opposite ends of the spectrum :O
      HAHA, true that...

      I haven't watched it yet, and I won't unless someone drags me there and ties me down, I'm a big chicken when it comes to horror.

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  6. A perfect post for people like me - "God created food. For people to eat. Man created exercise. It is unnatural." I so so agree :D

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    1. :D So glad.. I had almost decided that I'm a glutton for involving God in this :P

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  7. This was hilarious and you know what? I did this exactly when I was in Hyderabad, word by word your post. Except for the hot wednesday trainer, we had a hot all week trainer. So it was fun in a way but the worst part was embarrasing myself in front of him because of my near to nil stamina and all the while looking exactly like that kitten in the pic. :(

    Sigh! I wish there was an aerobics class near my place in Bangalore. Still searching for one here :)

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  8. I joined gym ..as in resumed it and boy, its a daily struggle between my mind and my body. FOOD is one thing I cannot compromise on. I need my daily dose of chocolate...doses actually. ADDICT I have become.
    I LOVE AEROBICS.
    My hot male gym trainer was gay. I was heart broken.

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  9. HAHA, I think we all read about it :P

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  10. This z something I cud relate to myself.Even I joined a gym and theirs always a war in mind between gym and diet and mostly d diet wins, I mean I end up eating .. !!

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Go on, you can say it.