7 Dec 2011

FML = Fluff My Llama. You Didn't Know?

Note: The only unpublished draft I had. I'm in a particularly foul frame of mind and this was lying temptingly in the folder, so I just took the easy way out and posted it.


All of us have those moments when we wish the Earth swallowed us whole, that makes us want to melt into oblivion and wish we were never ever born. But would you believe that one person can cause destruction of mammoth proportions in her own life, image, reputation and property, single-handedly? 




So much so that she can write a whole book on it titled - FML: A Case Study of PeeVee.
(No, I'm not one of those sickos who get high on self-inflicted pain, just a sufferer of chronic mouth-in-the-foot disease)


You think I'm exaggerating? Presenting five random moments I picked out. 
(not in any order)

1) The first day in college hostel, I'm just getting acquainted with every one/thing. It's difficult enough without your entire family standing around and lifting up embarrassing things like my heart-shaped pillow and stuffed dinosaur (don't you dare!) and asking me where to put them, when I decide that I want to demonstrate that I am Bella Cullen née Swan's twin soul. What do I do? 
I trip over a bucket. Yes. A bucket. A friggin' blue bucket. 
In front of the whole corridor of my newly-made college friends(?).
Talk about social suicide.


2) After not-so-much thought and very less discussion, we decide to go to my 'esteemed and highly reputed' college for admission interviews. It's a good one and half hour long ride and I settle down, not nervous at all, with three packets of Hide-and-Seek biscuits. Yes. Three. 
Have I mentioned that I have motion sickness?  
Anyway, I am wonderfully excited about the college. Why? Their curriculum is the best in the country. Because the grapevine said that there are really cute guys there. Yes. Cute guys.

So what do I do when I spot three Greek Gods standing near the turning of the college? Smile coyly, bring out the attitude, stare with my mouth open. 
I puke. I puke my guts out, all three guys witness to the mangled remains of all three packets of Hide and Seek coming out the wrong way.
Didn't help in the least bit that Dad stopped the car right in front of them.


3) Four years ago, we had a horde of cats at our place. When one of the kittens got stuck in the tree, I didn't hesitate to hitch up that skirt and climb the tree to rescue it, all in the name of humanity and compassion towards animals.


Just my luck that I get stuck in the tree after the old ladder cracked under my hippo weight. And you know what was delightful about it? That I remained stuck there till my family got home, called the neighbors for a new ladder and helped me down a good hour and a half later.
All the while, a small crowd was collecting outside our gate to look at 'the girl in the tree'.


Needless to say, I never talked to that kitten again. Ever. 


4) In high school, a (reasonably cute) guy comes and gives me chocolates for his birthday. The key point here is that he gives me a Perk XXL and the rest of the class toffees (don't judge him:P). 
So what do I think? That he has a crush on me.
And what do I do? Promptly start crushing on him.


Bad part. When I think that the crush is serious. To the extent that I sing 'Zara, zara..' and 'Tere bin..' to him in my head. (What? Hormonal teenager filled with angst and shit ok?)
Worse part. Someone tells me that it was my ex who told the guy to give me the chocolate on his behalf. Wtf.
Worst part. He falls head over heels for my friend. AND they start going out.


If this isn't a FML moment, nothing else is.


5) Class is going on. As usual. Very informative *yawn* lecture. As usual. And we're all texting away to glory. As usual. 
My guy is, unfortunately, a fan of sleeping in class. So I'm trying to prod him awake with slightly racy texts (ahem!:P) while texting five people other people.


Yeah, you guessed right. I sent the text meant for him to his friend.
I didn't even realize it till he caught my eye across the class and sniggered. 
How I wish it was just a normal 'I love you' or some such.
Agreed that we all type without looking but are there any other fools like me who send without looking as well?
And no I'm not going to tell you what it was either, so don't ask.


What did I tell you?
You can't make this shit up. 






P.S: Now that I have finished crapping all over my exams papers, I can post with my screaming regularity that everyone seems to be talking about.
P.P.S: December is here, you know. It's the Month of the Reindeer, you know. Please tell me you noticed all the snow on the page. And btw, where the fuck did the rest of 2011 go :| 
P.P.S.S: I apologize profusely to those I have promised a guest post to and haven't sent them yet. Chandana, you top the list. I'm so very sorry, I have been swamped am a lazy, stupid procrastinator and I'll send them in soon. Sorry:(


Edit: To the Grammar Nazis who drop by (read: Spiff, Darsh and any others lurking in the dark corners), do consider giving me a break about crappy punctuation this time-_-

51 comments:

  1. Pray tell me Missy, Why in the Good Lord's name would you keep something like this rotting in your drafts? You better come up with something good :P.

    I swear, I laughed so hard, my nose started weeping in joy and my roommate came to see what the big commotion was and he fell on an old wooden chair and broke it into two.

    Please, Please, Please write more such stuff.

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  2. bwahahah! :P :P the 'wrong text' thing has happened to me a miliion times.. :| damn phone shortcuts!

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  3. oooh i like the snow on ur blog btw!! :) .. and i sweaaarrrr this year's gone soooo quickly!

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  4. Love it!

    AND i would like more of such incidents please! :D its awesome to drown my embarrassments in others'!

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  5. That is pretty bad. I'd like to say it could be worse...but I'm not sure I can think of an example.

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  6. the blaaaaaaaaaaag..
    the headerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..
    the snowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

    the sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
    soooooooooooooooo cuteeeeeeeeeeeeee
    ohh i louuuuuu the snoww...you have gotten me into december-christmas-new year mode already..!!!

    okk..lets talk about thy post..
    sighh..yesss..even i have had my FML moments..and surprisingly so..when there is the whole world out there to witness my trepidation..
    grrrrr..
    1) bucket ???!!! ouch ouch ouch..
    not so much for the physical pain as for the mental torture..!!

    2)awwwwwww.pooooor uu...hmmm...
    i had slipped on a bannana peel infront of a few sexy guys and had ended up wanting the dig the earth and go right inside...
    baaaaah

    3)i want to die..
    I.WANT.TO.DIEEEEEE
    sooo manyy cats...awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..
    ermm ok ok.. m feeling bad for u also..:P
    owwww and let me guess...
    smart kitty nicely with the agility of P.T.Usha would have glided down the tree and looked back and given you a smirk..
    bwahahahahaa

    4)hahahaha..yesss yesss..
    even i used to sing..no croon "zara zara" with all
    ohhh-myyyy-gaaaaaawwwdddd expressions in my mind for my crush...
    he royally went off with my best friend a few years later..
    :| :| :|
    so much for all the mentaaaalll drama..:P:P:P

    yipeeee...exams over aah...
    *slo-mo robot dance*
    louuudddddddddddd the post babayy..!!

    sighh..me and my marathon comments :| :P :D

    cheers !!

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  7. Hahahahahahahaha.
    Sorry.

    I think you intended this to be funny.

    But those moments are truly FML moments.

    It's just the way that you describe that makes them funny.

    What DID you text him? :P

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  8. First let me laugh my a** off.
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
    There.. out of my system :P

    1)NOW, If I wasn't as famous as you were for tripping over everything and nothing in my path.. I would have started calling you Bella! Honestly my feet are alive.. they have a mind of their own and it is a pain. Pain!
    2) 3 cute guys + puking? No they don't go together at all. Hope you have better luck next time!
    3) oh poor you? You got stuck in a tree? I once fell from a tree and sprained my ankle!
    4) Seriously? WTF?
    5) I have a very very similar and equally embarrassing story which I am NOT going to share. But I hear you babe. Totally get you. This is a total FML moment :|

    No problem about the guest post.. extension granted :D

    And I was about to mention a few things before I read the 'Edit' so me shutting up now! Except... (dont hate me please) is it not foot-in-the-mouth disease and not the other way around? If its not then, my mistake!

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  9. ROFL!! I love the way you write!!
    Yes, write more often now! :D

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  10. 'oh hell no!' moments would have been a better title no? ;) idea! will do a post myself :) in unrelated questions, WHAT WAS IN THE MESSAGE?

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  11. OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH....the bucket thing made me sing the song NEELA BUCKET!!!!! :D
    Sry for laughing at ur expense. Ans 3 packets of hide n seek biscuits? U have outdone me :P
    and what to say abt the ladder thing :D. I hate cats. No wonder :D
    And abt the msg wrongfully sent. I have sent worse things ...to my DAD!!!! :(
    I am sry but I cant stop laughing! :D

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  12. Hahahahhaha........
    OOh God, this was real fun read...and yeah it sounds real bad, and then come to think of it, it ain't that bad being clumsy, klutz, ummmmm...okay, maybe it is sad being a klutz, but then hey these are the stoories you might want to end up telling your grandchildren when you're older........And trust me you will laugh it off then

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  13. Muahahahahaha now this was fun :D

    1. Blue bucket of all things? Just imagine if you had tripped over a cute guy and both get rolling around on the floors of the best college? Pity it dint happen :P

    2. Okay okay puke in front of cuties. That's so unfortunate. But you can't beat me on this. I once puked after drinking and the guy I was seeing then did not know about it. He came and kissed me like almost immediately. So imagine. Okay, don't.

    3. Reminds me of the scene in 'The Ugly Truth'. No hot guy came in a towel to help you out? :)

    4. LOL :D. Kill the ex now if he isn't dead yet.

    5. I beat you here too. I once sent a simple text that read 'Last night was wonderful. I haven't screamed this much all my life' to my protective sister instead of my guy. The funny part is I was talking about our visit to the scary house here. Talk about misunderstanding and miscommunication.
    *Hangs head in shame*

    2011 disappeared fast na. And snow? Evade mole? :P

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  14. @ AS, :P because I wasn't sure I wanted the world world to know that I embarrass myself at almost every turn?:P
    Oh my:P Such violence I inspire:D
    So glad you like it, you somehow have become my yardstick of whether my post is men-friendly or not:D
    And thank you so much, for the mail and for this:)

    @ Viya, I know:|
    I like it too:)

    @ Janani, mean, you are :D

    @ Mark, thanks, I think?:P

    @ Aditi, sheep? What sheep? There's sheep on my blog?
    Banana peel? Classic:D
    Pffft, the stupid cat-_-
    :P you too? We should bond over scotch sometime:D
    Thanks for the marathon comments love, you're awesome like that you know:)

    @ Ovais, I intended this to be a record of how screwed up my life can get so that I don't deny it later, that's all:)
    And nope, not telling you:P

    @ Chandana, :P meanie, laughing on my grave are you..
    1) It is -_-
    2) Hopefully:P
    3) Far less embarrassing, I suppose:|
    4) Yeah, me and my tanhaiyee:P
    5) I'll share if you do:P
    Thanks for the extension, you're a dear, you are:)

    :P It was intentional... it's foot-in-the-mouth when it happens sometimes. It's mouth-in-the-foot when it happens ALL the time.

    @ Harini, thanks:)

    @ maniac.hunter, :P sounds better, that.. And send me the link:)
    Nope, not telling you either:D

    @ Red, :P Teehee..
    I have na, I'm a hippo (quoting Divya)
    You hate cats?!!! Wow..:P
    DAD! Oh my:P I'm better then..
    Laugh, laugh, every patti has it's day:P

    @ Tangerine, really? But then, I don't think I ever want to TELL my grandchildren all this:P Some image I got to maintain na:P

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  15. Hehe...you actually got stuck in a tree? Should have waited for a super hunk to come and rescue you.

    And are you sure about the slightly in the racy text?

    Giggled despite my headache :)

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  16. Hahhah! *Hugs* Yes, the clumsy moments -_-" Tripped and fell flat before three guys, at least 25 people on my way to college and other such occasions. Sigh. But the POST! I lovveeeeed it!!!! :D I miss the blog! :|

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  17. You got me laughing my lungs out! Tripping - Done that a million times :) And wrong texting.. Hmm happened once in my college. Me and my bestie call each other darling. Sent a "Love you darling" message to a my co-rep accidentally instead of sending it to her. Died of shame before I could explain the mix-up.

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  18. hehehehe.. sorry but i couldnt stop laughing ;)
    The ex bf wala stuff was good... hehehe... :P

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  19. You are one terrific girl with terrific experiences to write of! I mean how many people can say they were stuck on a tree :P :P

    Texting thingy has happened to me! But here unfortunately once while I was gossiping about a friend and ended up texting her only :P :P :P

    I did notice the snow and i was wondering if that was an effect of the image until I read the last lines and saw that the entire page is snowing!! How do you come up with such amazing things?? I m technologically challenged I say!

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  20. @ Soumya, :P
    1. Oh sigh, how I wish:D
    2. YEWWWWWW :D Really?!!
    3. Unfortunately, no -_-
    4. He's out of reach:|
    5. ROFLMFAO!!! that made me hoot with shameless glee:D
    It did:| All over the page:( you can't see?

    @ Purba, I did:| The unfortunate thing about that is all men who live nearby are 60+ or roadside loafers *sigh*
    Teehee, yes I am. Though it was mortifying, it wasn't THAT bad, or I'd prolly killed myself or switched colleges or something:P
    Glad you did, Madame:)

    @ MSM, :D you too? Thanks love:*

    @ Keirthana, :D glad I made you smile Keia:) HEYYY that sounds nice na, Keia:)
    HAHAHA, really?

    @ Madhulika, thanks:)

    @ Em, aww, thanks lady:)Though that's not something I'd normally want to talk about:P
    :D Disastrous!
    The world wide web is a vaaaaast place that taught me more than anything else did:) You should try it:)

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  21. I've done that SMS thing too! I was texting two of my friends at the same time and I was being bitchy about one to the other aaaand whaddyaknow I sent the wrong person the wrong text. I made a mess of it trying to explain myself!

    The 'puking'incident is classic. But why would you eat three packets of Hide n Seek when you know you have motion sickness? Okay, that's a stupid question that has no answer.

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  22. This was so funny!! Enjoyed it. Hopefully, life will be more kind to you in the future and if it is'nt then you will atleast have something funny to blog about. :) :)

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  23. I was about to ask whats with the snow. And Peevee, i liked the banner that you had putup earlier, a tad bit more than this one. Just saying.
    The lama pic is choooo cute.

    Waise you would make a perfect heroine for a chick lit or chick flick, nai?

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  24. ha ha ha.. It was an enjoyable read and it is so sporting of you to share your FML moments with us and make us all in a happy frame of find . I also have many such moments that may be one day I'll share (You are giving me inspiration). It made an amazing read.. :) and made me feel a lot better.

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  25. @ Zarine Mohideen, :D seems quite a common FML moment after all..
    Because I'm a stupid moron who likes to pig out on anything chocolate, that's why.

    @ Rahul Bhandare, :D now there's a sensible wish:) Thanks a ton:D

    @ Karishma, I liked it too but too many other bloggers have put up similar ones:| This will have to stay till I get a hold of another hatke idea...
    Meaning that I'm an incorrigible drama queen? :D Sure!:P

    @ Sunitha, aww, I'm so glad:D It's a good thing to be able to make people laugh:)
    And do send me a link once you're done posting:)

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  26. LFMAO!!! Hahaha!!! Tripped on a blue bucket:P And i would have wrung the neck of that damned kitten the moment i got down the tree;) Puked in front of three Greek Gods...Hi five on that, you got company!!! You had me laughing like mad in the middle of the night! Superb one, Pee Vee:)

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  27. oh my god! that scene of you puking in front of those 3 "cute" guys is set on a repeat mode for the last 5 minutes. Just the thought of it is making roll on the floor! Especially, the fact that you were expecting "Smile coyly, bring out the attitude, stare with my mouth open." OMG! hahaha. Its like this scene is going in SLO-MO in my head when an actress like Kristen Stewart is walking on the first day of the college in slow-motion staring at Mr Vampire with "mouth open" and....suddenly...pukes! Hilarious! One hell of a funny post lady!

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  28. Hehe this is my first commment on your blog so treat me kindly :) Too funny! And yes, I´ve noticed that snow! Happy December :)

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  29. It is 12.30 at night and I am giggling reading this and my husband twice peeped into my laptop to ensure I wasn't sending any racy texts to anyone!

    you are effortlessly funny...i mean we try it with words...you just move on. the second episode reminded me how i fell before two hot dudes in a similar blunder!

    and sorry i did not realize the snow and sorry but i would ask the details of the racey text...kaam ki cheezen pata hone chahiye na;-)

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  30. the racy text thing was side splitting..have had such *ultra embarrasing* experiences :D

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  31. Ha ha.. My fav from your list is "a girl in the tree" :d

    What do I say.. I had the most dumbest, foot in mouth moment just last night. I have never been so embarrassed ever... it was the scintillating lowest level my mind has ever worked. Phew.! Happens. FML!

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  32. good god! what a terrible post to read when you are waiting to meet an angry boss! Shit! Couldn't wipe that smile off my face! You're entirely to blame if I don't get that promotion, girl! And I totally believe your incidents. Read this link and you'll be able to understand why!! http://lafemmenirvana.blogspot.com/2011/07/i-am-little-teapot.html

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  33. @ Cloud Nine, :P I would have too if I didn't love the damn thing so much:D Thanks lady:)

    @ Maverick, welcome, welcome, have been stalking you for some time now, glad to see you here:)
    haan, hanso, hanso :P poor me... subjected to all that only will know... Thank you:)

    @ adrianatalkstoyou, welcome:)
    Thanks and same to you..

    @ Suruchi, :D LOL, but aapke saame hum kya cheez hai Medam, you toh Goddess of Laughter na...
    You did? o_O Do tell:P
    :P nope, like I said, not sharing:P

    @ A grain of sand, :D do share..

    @ Sameera, :P oh come on, tell us...

    @ Nirvana, no, no, no...go away.. I don't want to be zimmedar for your non-promotion!!
    :P Good luck with it, though..

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  34. Hahaha.. the girl in the tree .. nice!! :)

    wow, I hv so many 'FML' moments tht I cud make a site out of it (oh wait, thrs already one :D)

    I once accidently sent a racy letter to the head nun of the hostel whr my ex stayed.. she gv me a copy of the bible in clss next day n told me i seriously needed to gt a life :)

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  35. Lal Salaam Sagahave...!!!

    I couldn't stop laughing.. happens.. I always though that the embarrassing stuffs happened only with me until I read this post. Phew.. feels so good to know that I have company..!!! :) :P :P hehehehheehhehehehehe

    Its good to be back and find you all here..!! hope you talk to the rest of the gang soon and that i havent missed any BIG fun..!!

    P.S : *singing* Bucket..neela bucket :P

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  36. ROFL! Ok...I know I shouldn't really laugh but honestly, some of that is funny. In hindsight. Your tales remind me of a friend of mine who used to have these embarrassing moments through school. Like once, she just happened to trip and land on her butt in front of a whole bunch of seniors...one of whom she had a crush on. The tree and the throwing up in front of the guys was hilarious! Have you and the kitty made up now??

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  37. Bwahahahahahahahha....girl you are so like me when it comes to FML situations!!!

    I remember one which is strikingly similar to #5.
    I was sitting in my tuition class and was planning a surprise b'day party for a friend and I don't know what happened to my bloody conscious cells, I texted HIM asking what should we do for HIS birthday. And as soon as I and my friends realized the blunder, I switched off my phone and did not DARE to turn it on till my last breath.

    Till date, I am teased for that little incident as it tops the list.
    *why do friends have good memory?*

    Anyway, I totally LOVED this post! No, I'm not a cynic. I feel good to know somebody else who too can prepare a whole frigging list of FML moments. :P

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  38. Keia sounds sooooo good! Really :)

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  39. Hehe, what a fun read! The most embarrassing moments are the funniest in retrospect, always. I feel sorry for you about the puking thing though. That could not have been fun with three hot guys watching.

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  40. hahaahahahhahaha..howlarious!!!!:-D maaan...u re goood....but wait....i habve told tht to u a hundred times alreay ryt???:-D

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  41. Aaaawwww!!! We all have our clumsy moments. Maybe you have a bag full of them but that's okay :) I'm there to give you company. The text thing is so funny cuz I have been on the receiving end of such a message :P Gosh!

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  42. Hahahah! That's hilarious! Don't judge me. Stuff like this is always funny when it happens to other people! :D

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  43. @ Raj, LOL, to a NUN of all people?:P

    @ Prithvi, long time eh:)
    And STOP with that song, already:P

    @ PB, you're nice to atleast try not to laugh:P
    Nope, she ran away from home actually:D

    @ Vinati, :D cheers to being FML moment partners.
    And yes, friends do seem to have annoyingly good memories:|

    @ sumitra, it wasn't, I assure you. All the while I was retching my guts out I could only think of how my hair looked and how if they could only look away:D

    @ Rahul, lol, you have, thanks yet again though.

    @ Sonshu, oh that's the fun-nest place to be, you get the dirt on the person sending it na;P

    @ Sadhana, no judging, please go ahead and laugh at my expense:P I asked for it didn't I:D

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  44. Been there done that moment I had. :D

    I tripped over my own feet and fell on the first day of my office. *sigh*

    My feet are bigger obstacles than other things :P

    Nice piece.

    P.s another month no hindsight post? :\

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  45. lol! Sorry, i laughed at all your bloopers :-) .. parents are sometimes so thickheaded about brandishing your most cringe-worthy stuff to all and sundry ! my mom insisted on hanging a tweety bird chime because she thought the yellow would brighten up the dreary space.. needless to say , I wanted to drown myself in a glass of water.

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  46. ohohhhmygosh. I love this post so much!

    http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
    Twitter: @GlamKitten88

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  47. Damn, you just listed out 5 of your embarassing moments. I would think 100 times to do that. great, you've got tremendous guts as a writer.

    oh.. and this brought back my embarassing memories. which, i'm laughing, thinking about them right now.

    i had a good laugh peevee! the wrong text message, happened so many times! Once I was suppose to send a message to my man, when I send it to my dad. Yes, IMAGINE. fml.

    the three girl, was really funny. Skirt? OMG.

    First day's I remember how every of my first day started. Thank god, nothing embarassing.

    Sorry, for not reading your blog for quite a while. Been really caught up with time. I AM NOW :)

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  48. Omg!! this was hilarious....sorry abt all that...but it did really make a great read for a dull Monday morning! :) Keep writing, really love it.

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  49. Haha :D Tripping is the common thing I believe. This happens with me at malls mostly. I look at the stores with no attention to the way I walk and there I trip. This happens like a 1000times. And I tend to act as if somethings wrong with my shoe and slowly turns around to see if someone saw me tripping.
    And you just puked before the cute guys? Thats alright! I just cant say what happened before one of those cute guys in ,y school.

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  50. Well, I pinged my boss on BBM in stead of my boy friend by mistake. And I asked him to stop assuming I only call him to talk about being naked.
    My boss.
    On a saturday. When he had pinged to ask me about some work. While he was with his wife.

    FML over and over and over.

    P.S. Love the snow! :)

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Go on, you can say it.