9 Sep 2015

Only I Can Write A Saga on Doors.

Note: Before I start, let me make something very clear: I do NOT need anyone to open the door for me. Nor do I mind it when someone does, as a gentlemanly gesture, I chalk it down to chivalry which is a nice thing, something that us, feminists, seem to have forgotten.


Getting  to the loo at work is an obstacle race of sorts – two bio metric doors + one swing door + stall door stand between me and sweet release. And considering I’ve decided not to be a camel (and go for several days on just 500 ml of water), I’m close to mastering the obstacle race. It can be safely assumed that such mastery comes with a fair deal of running into people at the aforementioned doors, if you hadn’t guessed.
HOW MANY DRAGONS DOES MY BLADDER HAVE TO SLAY BEFORE IT CAN ACHIEVE PEACE? 
My point is: you can tell the kind of person a person is by their behavior toward/ treatment of people they meet at doors. Based on extensive study conducted during the self-imposed hell that is peeing three million times a day, the following categories emerged:

1) The Nice Ones: (why am I capitalizing? no idea, but go on) These are the ones who hold the door open after they go through regardless of the sex of the person behind them. They are just plain nice. That’s all. No hidden agenda. No betrayal you have to prepare for.


2) The Stupid Cows: These are the (I’m sorry to say) women who think it is their birthright to have other people open doors for them. So when you beep in, they will sashay/ waddle right through it – who gives a cow’s bottom about manners. With such people, it is important that you set boundaries and make a statement by taking a leaf out of Barry Allen’s book and rushing through the door right after you beep in without giving them a chance to realize that the light is green OR they will start taking you for granted and you will remain standing at the door that you opened until the entire posse/ herd has passed through. Downside? If your boss is strict about break timings, there goes five precious minutes of drink-tea-while-looking-thoughful-but-in-reality-brain-is-just-addled-from-all-the-candy-crush-played-instead-of-having-worked time.


3) The Imma-Whoop-Their-Ass Numbskulls: These are those intelligent people with all the IQ of 350 minus 350 who beep in, open the door, walk through, and let the door make chapatti out of the next person’s nose. What is wrong with walking off, you ask? Nothing much, except when you KNOW that there is someone RIGHT BEHIND YOU. Common courtesy can take a hike to Bananaland, for all he/ she cares).


4) Not-worth-making-up-a-name-for-ers: They are MEN who make women beep in and then walk in FIRST without waiting for them to move past, and THEN let the door (that she beeped in) bang on her face. Courtesy AND chivalry can go take a hike. And fall off a cliff. And lie there injured for 120 hours. And die a painful death because HE DOESN’T CARE.


Guess which one I just encountered on my two millionth pee break.

36 comments:

  1. You know? I never really knew one could write a saga about bathroom doors. Or the people who use them. Or the ones that people slam in other's faces.Turns out I was wrong ;)

    PSST: Two secrets:

    1. I am not blog hopping much, but I am visiting some favourite bloggers, so see? I care about you.
    2. That gif of Joey had me hightailing it over here from my GooglePlus notifications :D

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    1. :P only I can write about such pointless things.

      1) d'aww, so much love for you, S :)
      2) heeheehee, I shoulda guessed :P

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  2. OMG !! I have opened a lot of doors for "Not-worth-making-up-names-for-ers". It is irritating when there a lot of people who just keep coming and coming when I am standing there holding the door open for them, maybe next time I will just bow to them and say "Welcome, enjoy your time" or something. Oh, and the people who enter the lift by blocking the path of the people who are getting out. Maybe you can do a fun post like this on lift etiquettes too. :D I would love to read it.
    I guess you just met the 4th type ? Am I right ? :)

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    1. Gah, I know, right... I want to bow to them and then kick their butt when they pass by :P
      Oooh, there is an idea :P Or you know what, you write it
      Yeah -_- made me want to pull my hair out.

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  3. I am so thankful there aren't so many obstacles in my place of work! You really have a lot of patience!

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    1. Last thing I have, love. But kya karoon, Nature's calls cannot be put on hold for any length of time :P

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  4. hahahaha ohh so many obstacles between you and the loo. From just one act of holding the door you can make so much out of a person.
    I too visit the loo gazillion times... but thankfully no beeping doors. I mean there are doors but just the one :P

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    1. Damn you and your single-doored loo woman! :P

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  5. That's some pretty awesome observation...and you know..."Peeing is like a good book in that it is very, very hard to stop once you start."
    John Green, Paper Towns

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  6. This post was funny and true.

    Unless your organization secretly has nuclear fuel stowed away in the toilets - I really dont see the need to have a 2 biometric doors and a swing door standing in the way. Sounds like you have to complete an obstacle course before getting to use a toilet.

    Cheers :)

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    1. I KNOW RIGHT. I can't work out for the life of me why they need so many biometric doors... TO THE LOO -_-

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  7. Haha..Yet again, it was a delight to read your post..! Men really need to learn about door courtesy, specially about the chapatti thing!

    Cheers

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    1. Heehee thank you Geets :) They really do.

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  8. Ha ha ha..you're funny. If I had to negotiate all of that to go to the loo I'd give up water.

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    1. I did. Didn't work out too well for me :/

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  9. PeeVee you are so awesome! Never knew that someone could write about the bathroom doors so well :P My Saturday morning is made- reading posts on your blog makes me smile :D

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  10. How can you go through so many doors, good lord, I bow to your controlling powers. I feel you sister, all these nincompoops at doors, I encounter one or all the types every.single.day. It is nothing sort of suicidal mission I tell you!

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    1. There is less controlling and more running-like-hell-to-get-there-in-time :P
      I know right -_-

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  11. I normally hold the door for the person behind me. But most of the times people just take advantage of you and you are left holding the door for the whole world to pass through. I go through this especially at movie theaters. It is frustrating to say the least.

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    1. I completely understand, being nice/ courteous seems to be equal to being a doormat these days :/

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  12. What a delightful read! I take it that it wasn't that delightful for your bladder. :)

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    1. Hahaha, thank you, Madame :)
      Wasn't in the least :P

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  13. I love love love your blog! It's soo priddy! You've done a helluva make-over.
    And I'm guessing you had the misfortune of coming across the fourth kind? Must've been soo annoying :/

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    1. Thanks love.
      Yes, indeedy. Wanted to punch a hole through the wall, if only it were as easy as they show in the movies.

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  14. Hahah!!! Chappati out of your nose... I'm giggling in the middle of office. So true!! And the last ones are too too common for the world's good!

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  15. You have 2, like 3-1=2? 1+1=2? TWO? biometric doors to the loo?!? Woah! That is just so cool! If i were you, i would feel like im in a hollywood sci fi movie!! We just have a sad regular door.

    But then, when im on the verge of bursting, i dont think i would be pleased with those fancy biometric doors, probably would want to punch it in its face.

    Dude, ur "sift through random crumbs" option is helping the hours fly by at work! Im addicted. Thanks :)

    - Moo. Unable to comment using my wordpress account...i have the worst luck with blogspot when it comes to commenting.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I do -_- I hate my workplace... LOL, nothing exciting about it when you have chugged 500 ml of H2O and really, REALLY need to go.

      Heehee, thank YOU, i was wondering where all the page views are from.

      Oh damn, how can I make it easier? (so that you leave more extra long comments :D)

      Delete
    2. I don't know men...some of my favorite blogs are blogspot and it's just sooo painful to comment there. It's a lot easier to choose the anonymous option but then i won't get a notification in case one of you responds and i end up missing it for a month (like it happened with this one). Grrr.

      Delete
    3. Haha its okay.
      If it really bothers you, create a Moo Gmail account. That should help, no?

      Delete
  16. Poor thing, so many doors you gotta cross. And yeah, we always meet the worst kind when we are in a bladder-bursting emergency.

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  17. Hats off to you for the control. :P That's three doors two doors too many for the sweet release. And yes, perhaps, you are the only one who can write a saga on doors.

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Go on, you can say it.