10 Jan 2018

Dream Diary

I have very vivid, very detailed dreams; some terrifying, some good, but mostly very weird. They usually have nothing to do with what's happening in my life and I remember most of them afterward in as much detail. 


This has been the case for as long as I can remember, so I thought it was about time I documented some of them here (so that I can embarrass myself sufficiently). Here goes, in no particular order:

(Warning: No value-adds for you, look for logic at your own risk)

I apparently forgot to write a paper in my 12th public exam (of course, I didn't realize it till a decade later) and so, I go back to attend classes and complete the course. A friend makes a sexist comment in the corridor about my colored hair and I have a very cutting, very intelligent bawse comeback for him (this is how I know its a dream, I NEVER have the right comebacks at the right times IRL). Then, they (I don't know who exactly) handed out plates for lunch and I say I'll wait for the rotis (instead of the rice). When the rotis come, there is only one on my plate, while the others had two. I debate whether to pick one up off another plate or to just eat one (LIFE DECISIONS).

*** 

A friend who lives next to school (like the next compound, how lucky is that. Or not, when you think about it) shows up for class on a buffalo and has trouble parking it. Then, when I go out for break to eat Marie biscuits, I step on the buffalo's poop which happens to be tied right outside class and yelled at her.

***

Me and my best friend are going cuckoo over my other best friend's baby when the baby smiles and gurgles at us. This is apparently her first smile; the baby's mum gets livid and yells at her (the baby) for smiling at us first instead of her.

***

My mother and sister get stuck on a large conveyor at a mill with a giant saw at the end, I try to get them off, but for some reason, I can't move. They are chopped to bits, which then fall on me. (Needless to say, I woke up bawling after this).

***

Virat Kohli (of ALL the people in the ENTIRE world) meets me at a bar (I'm a writer living in a shoebox in Milan) and he's so enamored by me (I'm keeping this PG13 because I'm not sure who finds their way to this blog anymore) that he insists I travel with him to South Africa. On the way, he tells me that Anuksha left him six months ago and he's still getting over him, so he wants to take this slow (BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and his manager tells him I'm a gold digger who only wants him for his followers on Instagram (low key dying). He shushes the guy up and goes for practice but then I decide to leave him because my principles (not the fact that I'm married, mind you) don't allow me to date someone who is vulnerable (PFFFFT yuh right). So when he gets back, he sees that I'm gone and tries to find me. But I'm un-find-able (of course). So he just becomes really sad and swears off girls, because they bring nothing but heartache.     

***

I stand at the edge of a ledge on top of a highrise in NYC (see how I never picture myself in a Marathahalli, Bangalore or an R.S.Puram, Coimbatore which are the only places I have been to ever in my life) and I'm very sad that I want to jump. But then I decide that people on my Instagram (see how obsessed with it I am) will miss me (not my family, not James, not my friends, not no one else, frikkin' INSTAGRAM, no less), so I shouldn't jump before I've posted 1,000 pictures (what even?). But then, I try to get off the ledge and end up making a me-shaped splat on the pavement below. I can see my own brain splattered and I wonder if I'll have to pay to clean the mess up.

***

Someone cleans out my fridge and with it, my backup desserts, without telling me (legit nightmare, this). 

***

I sit on my cactus accidentally and need surgery (of course, nothing less). The doctor asks me where it hurts and I'm too embarrassed to say my butt, so they end up surgery-ing my face. So then I look like someone else and James doesn't recognize me, so he refuses to give me the house keys. But my phone is inside the house and its almost out of charge (I don't know how I know) and I start crying because MY PHONE. 

***

I hope you've successfully wasted five minutes of your life. 
May 2018 be filled with such posts on your dashboard.  

Also, please tell me this isn't just me? You have such dreams too, right? 
Right? 

10 comments:

  1. This is an absolute laugh riot! You keep 'backup desserts'? Why didn't I think of that?? Oh and Virat Kohli lol! And that last one. Whattosay!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, of course. You don't? You should. Backup desserts are the new black.

      :D:D:D:D:D

      Delete
  2. Lolz.... This was fun to read... I get such weird and illogical dreams too and most of the times remember all of them. Instagram one was the BEST!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mother of....dragons!
    Your dreams and my dreams could totally be swapped! I usually ping Moo and ani to tell them right away before I forget. And only R-rated ones, you know, to keep things clean.
    I had one where My mom and I are on top of a highrise with Priyanka Chopra's luggage. We apparently design luggage tags and stickers. And then there is a gust of wind and my mom falls on the window ledge.

    Then there was one, that i am considering giving gmat or gre again n i tell my mom that adriane studied gmat on her own, i can do it too
    my mom goes and drops me to a class tutoring gmat, and i dont even have a notebook, and no pants on!!
    so she buys me this tiny notepad, but still no pants!

    And this is one which i told my friend: i saw kangana's new movie ka trailer called simran. so probably that triggered it. Its like how she's not friends with anyone in bollywood and they treat her like black sheep. So we all are in a class together. and i enter the class and she looks up to me, sitting alone on a bench, but lights up on seeing me and says hi and expects me to sit with her. But i see 3 rows away that you are sitting. It seemed like you were on a vacation n came back. So i say hi loudly to u n come to sit with u. She just looks at both of us and i wave at her. seemed like i used to sit with her in your absence. i felt bad n we decide we will have her sitting around us. There was a lot more in this dream. vaguely haircuts, monkeys, labradors.

    Phew! I want to start noting down my dreams more. But keeping it clean.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Butter, you bae, really :D What a description, I don't feel so alone anymore :D xo

      Delete
  4. Haha! This is hilarious! And who says dreams can't come true. Let's wait and see what happens with Virat Kohli! ;) Your dreams just confirm that you are obsessed with Instagram, your phone, aren't we all?

    I never remember my dreams as vividly, usually just the last bits before I wake up. A few days back, I had a dream where I realize I am allergic to cats. So I visit a friend and her cat keeps climbing up my shoulder and then my face swells up. Why? Why in the world would I be allergic to cats?! I love them!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your muh me ghee and shakkar and some Ferrero Rocher for good measure, Aditi. May Virat please find his way to me in Milan.

      Haha, so random!

      Delete
  5. HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH what even HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

    I wish my dreams were this Alice In Wonderland level fun, mine are always I Am Legend level horrifying. :/ My oldest most recurring dream (even before I actually saw apocalypse movies!), was waking up and finding everyone has vanished. Everything else is still there, the people just vanished in the middle of whatever they were doing.. and I am not scared in the beginning I start investigating the shit out of what happened, eventually I wake up. Kinda boring really because no zombies, no animals, no nothing.

    Oh and then there are dreams in which I am fighting with #BollywoodBae and then wake up to continue the fight in real time, very Phoebe LOL. And I recently had a weird but intriguing Star Trek meets Stranger Things dream which was so awesome I would fanfic the shit out of that one hahahahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hahahahaha you crazy girl... Your dreams are just as weird as mine... Although there was few which can't be published in blogs 😅 what's with buffalo poo... Why buffalo😅

    ReplyDelete

Go on, you can say it.