Haaaaaave you watched Thor: Ragnarok?

OMGOMGCHRISHEMSWORTH+IDRISAELBAINONEFRAME *fans self*

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FMS Prompts: # 2...

...the worst movie you ever did see, and why.

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Damn, I have to relive it again?

Okay so, three days ago this friend suggested that we watch a Malayalam movie on the laptop instead of our usual Die Hard and Fast and Furious types. Why? Because it would be a ‘refreshing’ change. *insert the hindi G word in full capitals here which I don’t want to type out because I have a strong feeling one of my uncles reads my posts secretly* I don’t usually agree but it has Fahadh Fazal in it, who I think is one of the best actors in Indian cinema (courtesy 22, Female, Kottayam which, incidentally, all of you should watch, get subtitles) AND its a Lal Jose movie (all non-Malayalees, he is one of those we-expect-good-cinema-from-you types).

Turns out, WORST. IDEA. EVER.

We finished the movie only and only because we really wanted to know how the director would manage to wrap up the mess that was Diamond Necklace. Ah, even saying the name out loud is painful. 

Characters just appeared and disappered at will and the story meandered around all over the place (if you could call it a story). NOTHING made sense. I won’t elaborate on the plot and waste both of our times. Should suffice to say I’m cinematically traumatized, even more so than when I watched the Golmaal series, which is saying something. Pointless, pointless, POINTLESS waste of resources the movie was.

 

 So. Anyone willing to give it a try? I'll send the BR copy across :P

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P.S: What’s your worst movie mistake?

Gipsy Danger

I always felt that us, human beings, are the puniest of all of God’s creations, mostly because we are the least armed, so to speak. You know how even a tiny ant can bite the living shit out of you? We don’t have horns or stingers or even wings to fly away from danger, if need be.

Well, yes, He did give us the sixth sense, but let’s face it, how helpful is it when there is a rabid dog (forget a lion or a snake or other such scary shit) growling its face off at you, ready to attack at the slightest movement and your senses are paralyzed with fear? How useful is the sixth sense then? What are we going to do, talk the dog into getting a logical perspective of the attack? No, right? Thought so.

Also, I have very less respect for our race as well. I have my reasons, the one on the top of the list being that we are incapable of coexisting peacefully, not with our own kind OR with other kinds. You know, there are jungles full of animals of a billion different species that exist without causing destruction to everything surrounding them and we can’t keep an office pantry clean without assigning five extra people to do the cleaning at regular one hour intervals and STILL manage to leave it looking like a pigsty at the end of the day. Which is why I say, we are pathetic.

But let’s not go there, crux of the matter being that I don’t think too awesomely of us humans.  

What changed my perception, a tiny bit, but nevertheless, is Pacific Rim.

If we, some day, become capable of building those Jaegers and get two people to share minds strongly enough to be able to operate those ginormous, drool-worthy, mindfucking robotdaddies (I find normal, meaningful adjectives incapable of doing justice to Jaegers) effectively, I think we really ought to get a pat on the back.

And let’s not forget the background scores by that godawesome composer.

If you don’t watch Pacific Rim in the best theatre in town as soon as possible, you really are missing out on one of the prime examples of cinematic brilliance.

Here's the IMDB link and the Rotten Tomatoes link for those who check obsessively.

Here's the YouTube link to the OST playlist.

Here's a link to PVRCinemas for you to book your ticket. 

Here's one more picture in case the other two didn't pique your interest at the very least. 

My faith in humanity and its future has been restored to a small extent. We still have hope.

P.S: Please to note, I have never recommended a movie on the blog ever before.

P.P.S: Go with friends, I’d never have to able to scream my lungs out to my heart’s content if it weren’t for the six other screaming enthusiasts I went with.

P.P.S.S: And the screaming is not about not being classy, the movie just makes you wanna go AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmymindisblown!

P.P.P.S.S: Yeah, I’m done.

Theatre Goers - A Case Study

As a human being of the 21^st century who is economically okay-ish enough to have some form of a computer + a decent net connection and literacy enough to be reading and writing blogs, I think it’s a safe assumption to make that you, Mr. /Ms. /Mrs. Reader, have gone to the movies and watched your favorite hero spread his arms/take his shirt off/deliver dialogues at Wile E. Coyotespeed.

You have been charmed (or not) by dialogues the likes of “Dawaon ki nahi, duaon ki zaroorat hai” and “Yeh shaadi kabhi nahi ho sakti!”

You have paid anywhere between 80 to 500 INR to see people prance around trees, heroines play teachers while wearing a bikini blouse (which flies off her shoulder every 4^th second), goondas beat up a non-damageable hero and witnessed miracles in the form of non-extinguishable diyas (lamps) and come off with a smile after the unsahikable (unbearable) amounts of first class entertainment you got treated to.

Hold your horses, this is not another RA.ONE review (which might be bleh but SRK still is awesome, but we’ll abuse each other on that in another post).

I’m talking about the awesomeness of theaters. No takers? Oh come on.

One of my hobbies is people watching. No, it’s not a new hobby that I just added because suddenly everybody seems to love people watching (makes me wonder if the girl I’m ‘watching’ is ‘watching’ me back because that would just be creepy). I have unconsciously watched people for years now and most of the stories (in my head and on the blog) are inspired by people around me, characters I have picked up on train journeys, buses, while shopping, malls, public toilets (yes!) and even KFC.

I digress.

The point being that when I go to watch a movie in a theatre (which is kinda rare because I’m a lazy, spoilt ass who prefers watching movies on her laptop because she can skip the songs, fast forward the heroines cleavage show and watch the whole thing in 1.5x mode just because it’s fun to see them scuttle around that fast:P), I spend more time watching the movie-goers, the people. Waste of money, you say? Nope, it’s far more entertaining than the Saif Ali Khan Pataudi (a title which I’m entirely sure weighs heavy on his rather empty head) doing bhangra to impress his shy(?) yet-to-be beau, to say the least.

Anyway, I have endeavored to classify a few types of theatre goers:

1) The newlyweds: Self-explanatory. They are a dying breed, ones that say ‘chal picture dekte hain’ as a form of bonding after an arranged marriage. This trip is one on the list which reads: movie, beach, Khandala... you get the point. The lady is usually highly decorated adorned complete with the red chudiyan (bangles) and the mehendi is still intact. They come, sit there, talk to each other intermittently and then leave. The most de-yaaaawwwwwn-cent ones.

2) The couple with the kid/baby: This is the kind which has the child screaming/bawling at the top of its voice throughout the span of the movie, INCLUDING the interval. It.Just.Never.Stops.Crying.

If you’re the kind who doesn’t like to say anything, after some time, you can actually feel your ears wilt from all the pressure. WILT.

Don’t get me wrong, I love kids. I really do. But I truly believe from the depths of my heart that parenting skills is an art not many people care to learn.  How difficult is it to have a happy baby? (I’m not judging here without any experience, I have a sister who’s 10 years younger than me and I used to babysit her ALL the time) How difficult is it to keep it comfortable and to dress up a BABY in some comfortable clothes and not leggings and a blingy kurta (trust me, I have seen one)? How difficult is it to LEAVE the kid home for he/she is TOO YOUNG to watch a goddamn movie? Why foist your choice on the kid? Why ever?

3) The Couple: Now these can be further divided into three sub-categories-

a) The Barely-Legal Gropers: We all know these kinds, the ones who skip school and college and spend the whole day at the theatre, feeling each other up and leave thinking nobody noticed when they were wriggling around in their seats.

b) The College/Working Couple: They hold each other’s hand throughout, maybe sneak an occasional smooch, thoroughly enjoy themselves, whisper sweet-nothings for solid two and a half hours and yet manage to actually watch the movie and are entirely and completely oblivious to every single soul around.

c) The Older Couple: I strongly suspect they come out of habit than anything else. The wife walks a few steps behind the husband; they bring snacks from home in a tiffin carrier and don’t exchange one single word the whole time except to answer each other’s questions.

(Ironically, they seem to portray three stages of a relationship, don’t they:D)

4) The Fan Males: They are the ones who make business for the theatre owners for they are there almost every day bunking college, purchase the cheapest tickets and dance with their shirts off during the song sequences. More often than not, they are part of fan clubs of actors as well.

5) The Gang Of Girls: The highly dressed up, made-up bunch with their totes and high heels and trademark gum-and-shades-perched-on-head, Sex-and-the-city types, who laugh loudly, whistle to prove they are as koothara (I need help with the translation here) as the guys, make eyes at the hot guys, come back with HUGE Cokes after the interval, comment on every single person around including the guy who tears the stub, and generally leave the aftermath of a ruckus, a faint whiff of Chanel No:5 and Blue Lady and sometimes, a few hard ons.

6) The Office Bunch: Friends from the office, a mixed bunch, watch the movie, have conversations about office ‘chicks’, project deadlines and make ‘bleddy boss’ jokes. Very fun to watch especially if there are two hot girls in the party; the group dynamics sizzle, if you know to read them well:P

7) The Fancy Pants': The rich kids who come in cars and FZ bikes, the ones everybody stares open mouthed; at the bare legs of the girls and at the shades of the guys (they look good with them on; unlike locals who look like a stoned, sun-burnt Mika on a bad hair day or Santhosh Pandit, if you don't know who he is, Google him but at your own risk). They talk loudly, make crass jokes. The most awesome part about this group is that they have SO many good-looking guys ;P 

8) The Mallu Merpeople: Another gang, very similar to the aforementioned. They talk in Malayalam about the ‘pandis’ not knowing that Malayalam is not undecipherable to the locals and unaware of the glares of those who do understand. And they usually get a lot of puffs and samosas rather than popcorn.

And hence I conclude, leaving to your interpretation the rest of the types. Next time you head over to the multiplex, watch.

P.S: I have linked relevant pictures for my non-Indian readers like Hazel and Mark, this is our Bollywood in all its glory for you guys and we are SO proud of them despite the jokes:D

P.P.S: In spite of all the snide comments I make, I’m a sucker for movies, English AND Hindi.

P.P.S.S: Does anybody know how to kick a corporate’s ass? Reliance, to be specific.

P.P.P.S.S: I skipped a Monday Pitch and The Month That Was in honor of the birthday post, nobody noticed? Boo-hoo.