27 Jan 2016

TOW I Bitch About Myself

I can be a vindictive little brat. 

You will say one thing. I will say another thing. You will say the same thing you said before. And it will all end in me feeling vaguely hurt. Nothing major, nothing too serious. Just that little nick at the edge of my heart that I hardly even know is there until something brushes past it.

The matter is over. The conversation is forgotten. Albeit, by you.
The nick heals faster than I can say “booboo”.

There is this place in my brain - a barely lit, cobwebbed, hardly visited attic part of my mind, where I store leftover hatred for the exes, tears from when mum beat me with a belan, disgust from the only time I’ve failed a subject in my life, hopelessness from when I was first cheated upon, and that niggling feeling that my copy of Asura has been borrowed. In that part of the brain, the memory of the hurt from the nick I could hardly feel, that I barely remember, remains.

And do you know when it will surface? The next time I find myself in a situation that requires me to apologize. I might have screwed up moderately bad but to weasel out of having to admit that I’m wrong, I will bring out my brahmaasthra – you nicked my heart a lifetime ago, I dealt with it, I didn’t bring it up or give you guilt about it then. So this time, you have to be as big a person I was then, you have no choice but to let me capitalize on your guilt now.


Trust me when I say that it is not on purpose.
And I do this to only two people in my life.
I also don’t offer any package deals with emotional blackmail/ theatrics/ dramatics/ tears. Does that make it any better?

I do say sorry when I’m in the wrong.
Just don’t make me ADMIT that I’m wrong.

Sigh. I’m a terrible person, ain’t I :/