The Miffed Spiff

There is this person whose blog I chanced upon in the middle of the night and got hooked so hard I spent my waking hours reading every single goddamn post of hers. So distinctly Malayali-sh yet so polished, she caused me to cry of laughter-induced stomach pain. That sardonic wit that so few people master coupled with a definitive opinion on topics make her a writer you will keep going back to for more, like an abused wife (for lack of a better expression):P She's also one of those few bloggers who take the time to read your post thoroughly and comment, not for the sake of comments or traffic, but gives considered opinions. It makes you want to trust her:)


Presenting to you, the grammar Nazi (which makes me re-check all my spelling on my comments on her blog and mails to her), the lady with the sinfully-sexy-chocolate-cake baking skills, a foodie who I'll admit to be even more fanatic than Joey and myself, a self-proclaimed cheergirl for Virgo, AN AWESOME writer..


And one of the blog owners who make it in onto my top-ten-most-favorite-blogs-EVER-list,
Spaceman Spiff.
Thank you milady, for being so kind as to write me a post:)

I’m going through a phase where Facebook bores me no end. I still log on to check updates, but I’m past the stage where my life depends on it. I figured out that, after all, I don’t have anything interesting to share with so many people. 

When I logged on the other day, someone on my friend list (I won’t call him friend, because he’s not. He’s there because we happened to study together in college. I didn't talk to him much even then. No, I’m not a snob, he’s an ass. We haven’t exchanged even a single greeting on FB) had put up a really sad status message. Come to think of it, he always puts up sad status messages. And sad here reads ‘LOSER’.

Something about how he’s unfriending people from his list because when he got online, even though there were over 100 friends online, only around 20 pinged him. Other status messages of his talked about how everybody is back-biting him, how people he trusts are cheating him, how he doesn't trust girls because they are all cheats and bitches, that someone very close to him used him and that God won’t forgive them. I got so tired of his status updates that, finally, I unfriended him myself.

Was it so hard for him to see that the problem was with his own attitude, and not the rest of the world? The worst part was that for the 100-friends-online-only-20-pinged status update, there were actually people who liked it!!! Dude! There are actually people who encourage such sort of behaviour?!

So anyways, the point I’m trying to make is, there are certain people on FB who will like just about any status message. It’s like a reflex action for them. “Status message: hit ‘Like’ button”. As though on auto-pilot. I can understand if the update is genuinely interesting, but for extremely silly messages, I cannot fathom it. Are they getting paid to like it? Maybe my definition of interesting differs from others’, I don’t know.

So here is a list of status updates that I feel don’t deserve to/ shouldn’t be liked. These are just my views.

1) Met with an accident. Fractured legs. Please pray for me.

What exactly do you like about this message? That the person met with an accident? Or he/she has fractured bones? Or that your prayers matter? Hmmm? Please tell me, I want to know.         

2) Having 104 degree fever. Admitted in Yashoda hospital.

You’re a sadist if you like this one. Or are you merely appreciating the fact that in spite of being ill and in the hospital, the person took time and energy out to post it on FB? That seems to be the only sensible explanation. 

3) For those of you who didn’t know, my grandfather passed away. R.I.P.

First of all, it’s Rest In Peace, not R.I.P. (Whenever I see R.I.P, I get the mental image of a someone ripping apart a piece of cloth with their hands). And second of all, his grandfather passed away, he isn’t back from the grave that you should like the update. Also, a kick in the ass for the guy for posting something like this on a social networking site. 

4) Lost my walletL

Someone on my friend list had put this up. And got some 20 likes on it. The logic eludes me…

5) (On a small town’s community page) So-and-so person passed away. He was a great soul.

One of my friends told me about this. I bet the only thing the ‘likers’ saw was “He’s a great soul.”

6) It’s raining. Having a cup of coffee.

So? I also have a cup of coffee when it rains. I just don’t believe in telling the whole world about it.

7) (whenever there’s a cricket match on) Sachin’s batting/ Sachin hit a half-century/Sachin out at 99 L/ Dhoni fielding well/ Dhoni adjusting his cap/ Dhoni scratching his ass/Yuvi rocks/ Yuvi’s drinking water/ Yuvi spat out the water. Wow!!

Err.. do you know the difference between status update and running commentary?

8) Good morning/ good night.

What is it about good morning and good night that you like so much?

9) On my way back to Timbuctoo/ Reached Jhumrithalaiyya.

Ok, if it’s a holiday that this person has gone to, I can understand the likes. But for a person who travels 15 days a month, do you really have to like it each and every time he/she announces arrival and departure?  

10) Google+ is awesome!

You’re on Facebook, and you’re promoting Google+. That’s just unethical! This one, I’m SURE you were paid to like.

Ouch! I can almost feel the brickbats falling on me!

Escape!!!


Spaceman Spiff blogs at Senseless Sense? Or Sensible Nonsense?

P.S: I have a crush on her tagline 'I don't wanna follow, I don't wanna lead. I just wanna lead life at my own speed'. Huge crush.

The 'Epic-ness' of The Social Network

Claimer: Intended for those people who think it is about them.

Unrelated Statement: I’m 94.86% sure that I’m possessed by Facebook.

Reason I Think So: I can’t seem to go three minutes without logging in and logging out (even though I don’t do much else). This month has been the most inactive-on-FB one for me but it still shows up on my most visited tab.

On an entirely different note, I admit to being a FB stalker.  I go check out other people’s walls, people on their friends’ lists’ interesting posts, notes that they might have written and such (if that’s what stalking means). I don’t get what the big deal is, we used to do that on Orkut and Myspace and all those other networks and we do it on FB as well. You don’t? Hah. Are those your pants that just caught on fire, liar?

Anyway, moving one from my psychological-ownership-status and my creeping-people-out skills, have you ever noticed that people’s behavior changes drastically on FB? Like suddenly the world is filled with awesome, super-cool people with such happening lives going on such politically correct holidays with their perfect family/amazing friends. Even their problems are hep and makes you go ‘ooooh, I wish I had that one’. And all the girls have that perfect pout that makes you wonder if you missed The Pout Revolution. There’s a trend pattern, I suppose.

I have decided to make a list of the top five actions on FB that peeve me out so much that I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. So here goes:

5) The Like-rs.

See, it’s ok if you actually like the picture or link or whatever. But to do it just to start a conversation with that guy/girl is just lame. When I find people who have liked almost every picture/link/update in every album/wall of every friend on my list (and theirs), my respect for the ones who NEVER like ANYTHING grows.

(These ones never like because they are too cool to like mere mortal stuff, which is another story altogether.)

4) The ‘Abundant’ Photo Albums.

O.k, so you went on vacation. We, unlike you, are not interested in seeing 3 photos of you absent-mindedly digging your nose or 5 photos of the sand by the beach. We are: 

(i) already familiar with the shape and size of boogers (thank you VERY much) and 

(ii) familiar with the texture and feel of beach sand; some of us have actually been there as well, you know.

A trip to your chacha’s biwi’s brother’s once removed cousin’s gaon does NOT warrant an album of 226 photos.

And we definitely don’t want pictures of your eyes, hands or other body parts, especially not feet. We’re familiar with the concept of Converse too.

Also, try and take pictures of the vacation for the sake of preserving the memory, which is what photos are for in the first place, rather than taking photos to establish your ‘cool’ factor on FB.  

3) ‘Check Inbox’

(Note: I admit that I have been guilty of this one)

If you have EVER sent or received a personal message on FB, you will know that when you have a new message, a red notification appears over your inbox icon. You don’t specifically have to go and wall the concerned party to ‘check inbox’ and make sure that you make everybody on both your lists burn from the knowledge of not knowing the ‘scoop’. No need for the excessive put-on secrecy about a non-happening.

2) The ‘Me’ Albums

Ah, this is my pet peeve. The first time I saw an album titled ‘Me’, I thought maybe the person was asked by an online friend to post a few pictures of themselves so that they could see what he/she looks like. I was gravely mistaken.

I have people on my list who have albums of 100+ photos of ONLY themselves in different poses, photoshoped, tinted, altered and whatnot. I can’t help gape at the sheer i-am-searching-for-an-appropriate-word: Narcissus himself takes a backseat to them. If you have the time to put in THAT much work on that album, then you are even more jobless than I am and that is really saying something.

And you know what’s worse? When other people copy the ‘idea’ and come up with one of their own. End result = feed filled with weird preens and fake pouts. All this has me thinking five times before I upload one picture and I do not know how much more of this I can take before I decide to deactivate my account for good.

1) The Frandship Requests  

My privacy settings are pretty tight, so the only way to contact me is to inbox. Turns out, it is A Bad Idea.

(Note: The following copied directly from my inbox)

“You are look so butiful in profile ya. Can v be friendship request?”

“Hey gurl wanna friendship be with me”

“If u dont mind may i add ur friend list???????”

“aah.. bt jus experienci ppls..!!! bein ma frien?” ( I have to this date not worked out what that means.)

Even,

“Hi, can I join your friendship?” to which I couldn’t resist but say "Dude, you sure you want to JOIN it?" to which he replied "Ok sorry madam.i m not that type of Boy just i like Ur profile that's why i requested Ur friendship.trust me.Forgive me please"

I swear to God that that convo is as real as I love chocolates.

One guy even had the audacity to say, “Hey, send me request”. I asked him if I knew him from somewhere to which he said, “No, but I want to seeing your collage fotos”.

Kill me. With a serrated knife.

Ah, us weird humans.