Blog Makeover 101

I swore not to write abstracts because 
1) I tend to wander and get lost and write four page long 'philosophy' (which makes perfect sense to me but may not for you) that I'm sure you don't want to read.
2) Too many people already do. And they do it faaar better than me.
But I was surprised that so many people liked my abstract, thank you:)


***
Let me harp for a minute here.
You know how important the layout of any blog is? Well, it is. Very important, that is. 
Content is still king but a shabby blog puts off readers, while a well-aligned, well put-together blog, that reflects you personality... who you are, can earn you followers. More importantly, you rub your hands in satisfaction every time you look at your page, for you know that it was all you.


I have been meaning to write a post on these lines for some time now, but I don't have the technical expertise to. I learn through trial-and-error so I'm not sure I should be doling out advice. So when the Moolady asked me if she could guest post about this, I jumped right at it.


For those who don't know the Moolady, here's presenting Sumitra Madireddy from The Daily Moo. She's been making some changes on her blog and I have to say, I'm pretty awed by the way she's put together all of it.


Over to her now:
Six Steps to a Beautiful Blog

Hi there! I recently gave my blog a complete makeover, and I’d like to share a few things I learnt in the process.

Last year I started a baking blog. I wanted it to look delicious. So, I decided to hire a designer instead of doing it myself. The design was really amazing, it cost me only $50. This year for my personal blog I went back to the same designer. Guess what? They’d upped their charges to $500! Wow, right!

Being a true blue Indian, I decided to “make it at home for free”. Since I worked with the designer last year, I realized that it’s actually not a very difficult job. It would probably take me longer to finish, but that was okay with me.

So here I am, blog complete, and I really like how it turned out. I spent a lot of time on it, sometimes even trashing everything and starting over. In the end, it was worth the effort.

Here I present, the 6-step guide to a blog makeover!

Note: These tips are best suited for the Blogger platform. I’m assuming you know your way around the Blogger ‘Design’ tab.

Step 1: Choose a Design

A blog design could be simple, photo or graphic. There could be several others too, but these are the most basic ones.

Simple blog designs don’t have images, just the blog name done in a very elegant font, maybe with a few geometric shapes or patterns. Photo designs are based around photographs – of yourself, your family, or your work. Graphic designs use illustrations – we’ll talk more about these in a while.

Step 2: Choose a Header Image

The next step is to select the images you want to place in the header. If you already have your own photographs to work with, then great! Else, you’ll have to scourge the net for suitable images. And also deal with copyrights and permissions.

The easiest way of getting permission to use an image, is to buy it. Professional designers ask you to choose something from a stock image website like iStockphoto and charge you extra for it. But of course, you can always look for freebies and use them with the owner’s permission.

Illustrations can really brighten up your blog, just like the cow on mine. Try to choose vector images. Unlike bitmap ones, they are made of strokes and not pixels. So you can change the size of the graphic without worrying about losing resolution. Just google ‘free vector images’ and you’ll get a ton of options available for free download. That’s how I found that adorable cow.

Step 3: Create the Header

You need a graphics or image editing software to do this, like Adobe Illustrator or Photoshop. So beg, borrow or bug the hell out of your boyfriend/best friend/colleague, whoever it is that gets you software. And then it’s design time! There are so many options to play around with; you’ll be lost in it for hours. If you don’t have access to these, try free software such as Gimp.

Start by deciding how you want to place the image, the type of font you would like to use for the blog title, etc. Here on, it’s totally your baby.

Step 4: Create a Background

A blog background can be a solid color or patterned. You could use free downloads, there are lots. They give you a piece of code to add as a Gadget and you’re done. Shabbyblogs has some good options.

Pretty wallpaper patterns with florals, polka dots, stripes, etc. are also available for free. You need to upload the image as a background through the Blogger Template Designer. Make sure you search for ‘seamless’ patterns, because the image will repeat itself and you don’t want ugly lines running throughout the background of your blog.

I created the background on my blog using Illustrator. I put a bunch of coloured circles in a seamless row and then uploaded the image to Blogger. It was easy and worked just fine.

Step 5: Choose the template

Now you need a template to put everything together. The new Blogger Template Designer has some wonderful options, you need to choose the one works best with your header and background. Not happy with the Blogger templates? There are countless free ones available out there. Take your pick!

After installing the template, upload the header and background. You might have to play around a little with the sizes and positioning before you get it right.

Step 6: Choose Fonts

Template Designer comes with some amazing fonts. Try out different combinations of fonts and colors till like what you see.

And, you’re done!

Some Useful Tips:

Pay attention to colors: A good practice is to go with the ones that are in the header image. For instance, I've worked with all the colors on the cow. The blog title is in eye-patch color, the circles in the background are from the snout, and the tab & sidebar colors are from the hooves.

Keep it simple: This is of course, not mandatory, but I like to follow it. You don’t want a very loud design that takes focus away from your content. I prefer to keep the post background white, that way, people don’t have to strain their eyes while reading.

Study Other Blogs: Take a look at several blogs before you decide on yours, so you’ll have many options to work with. Some of the good blog designers are: Designerblogs and Dcrdesign. Looking at their samples can give you some good ideas.

Use Tutorials: I couldn't stress on this point enough. There’s nothing that you can’t find a tutorial for online. Found something fancy on another blog that you want? Most likely, there will be a tutorial for it somewhere. Use Google, people!

These are the major tips I could think of. Please let me know if you have any questions, I’ll do my best to answer them. 

Take care, and a huge thanks to PeeVee for letting me use her space to get these tips out to all you folks out there!

Well, now GO. Go pretty up your blog. Spare one day (it takes only one, even lesser, if you're really interested) to liven up the space that is part of you.

OH and she's making Bill Watterson proud with her Giveaway. Go enter.

P.S: Another awardee for the 'Rok My Sox' Award:) See!

Le.One

There's this guy...

Politically incorrect. Brazen. Cheeky. Hilarious. Unapologetic. Handsome. Shameless.

Likes to dream that he's God's gift to womankind. 

Writes like a pro. Each individual post makes us howl. With laughter.

Still blank? This one should reveal all.

Obsessive about poop.

Yes, eternally cocky and wonderful blogger, Kalpak has decided to grace my space, guest post for me and shamelessly steal my followers (while I ignore the fact that it was ME who asked HIM to:P). 
He's someone who doesn't sugar-coat so you can rest assured that the rare compliment that comes out of his mouth, he actually means.  
And his language is impeccable. Makes me wonder why men like Atrocious Scribblings and him don't think of writing books. Or at least regular columns, articles.

Anyway, I'll shut up now and hand it over to him. 
This is a very, very typical Kalpak-post, make sure you have enough space to roll around and tissues to wipe off tears of mirth.

One advice: When your mother reads in the newspaper that Sunny Leone is going to enter the Big Boss house and she asks you ''beta, who's this Sunny Leone?'', please think a hundred times before you reply ''tch, Sunny Leone maaaaaaa''. There is but no cover up for it. It might be obvious for your peers to know Sunny Leone, but not your parents. And your ma definitely isn't stupid enough to buy 'I thought you meant Sunny Deol'

For the uninitiated, this is Sunny Leone of the Bigg Boss fame

But this incident of Sunny Leone in Big Boss house has made me realize that porn stars are people too, and good people. I recently read her interview in a newspaper and got curious about her career life. I did some background check of hers and found out she has a nice ass.

But unlike in the US, I don't think we Indians would ever be capable of looking at porn as a genuine profession and at porn stars as people.

Following is an actual incidence that occurred with me once:

I was at a friend's place and he had got some new porn, so we were watching it.

ME: Isn't this the same girl who was in that My Sister's Hot Friend wala movie?

FRIEND: Hmmmm. I don't know re. Maybe.

*Girl in the movie takes off her bra*

BOTH TOGETHER: Yup, she's the one.

See what I mean.

But it is amazing that a hardcore porn star has come to India and has participated in a reality show and has already started getting movie offers, and yet no political party is opposing it. I can understand if they're big fans of her, but c'mon guys, opposing stuff is what you were formed for. What happened to the spirit of the Indian Political parties? Just think of this as another Valentine’s Day and go out there.

That reminds me. Not so long ago when the Anna Hazare fire was burning hard inside everyone, I had participated in a morcha. Now yelling slogans is a part of any morcha, and in every morcha there's a main yeller, to whom the rest of the crowd provides chorus. And which slogan is yelled is always at the behest of the main yeller.

So in that morcha, the main yeller was stupid. Maybe that was his first time as the main yeller.

There's a typical Anna slogan which goes:

MAIN YELLER: Anna tum aage badho...

CROWD: Hum tumhare saath hain!

This crow-poop yelled it as follows:

MAIN YELLER: (in one breath, with no voice modulation whatsoever) AnnaTumAageBadhoHumTumhareSaathHain!

CROWD: (looking left-right) Okay!

And then there are morchas where at times there is just one person in the crowd, who doesn't know what to yell back in chorus.

MAIN YELLER: Anna nahi ye aandhi hai

CROWD: Desh ka doosra Gandhi hai.

ONE LOST SOUL IN THE CROWD: Doosre desh ka Gandhi hai!

Honestly speaking, I have till date never seen even a single porno of Sunny Leone, mainly because she does only girl on girl stuff. And in spite of the fact that I am a hundred and twenty percent straight dude, I feel any porn is incomplete without a normal sex scene. I feel lesbian stuff is highly overrated.

The wise philosopher and genuine literature butcher Chetan Bhagat once wrote, ‘All boys watch porn’. And this is a universal fact. It’s very pissing off for us guys when girls bring exceptions to this rule.

BOY: You know all guys watch porn. Like… ALL of them.

GIRL: Yeah I know.

BOY: That includes your brother too.

GIRL: Don’t you talk like that about my brother okay? He will never do such a thing!

If you’re a girl, and if you believe your brother/ boyfriend is a hermit, then here’s a way you can test him. In a conversation, just say this line, ‘you know my friend Priya Rai? She naa…’

If you see even the slightest hint of a smirk on his face, he definitely watches porn. If you don’t, he not only watches porn, but is really good at lying.

The bottom line is, All Boys Watch Porn.

And also, girls, all the “researches” that are published in the papers that guys who watch porn start preferring porn over actual sex is bullshit. We guys live by one motto in life, ‘Porn Jaaye par Virgin na jaaye’

And at times, the stories in these movies are really very interesting. I remember watching a porno once where I actually forwarded the sex scenes to get moving with the story.

I would genuinely like to thank the producers to Big Boss though. They have provided us guys with the perfect alibi for a few weeks.

*Door Locked*

MOTHER: *knock knock* What’re you doing beta?

SON: Watching Sunny Leone maaa.

MOTHER: *to herself* whole day watching Big Boss. Stupid child.

So enjoy watching Sunny Leone people, be it on the TV or on your laptop. 

Thank you, Kalpak, for the brilliant post. As well as insights into...erm... Pria Rai and Sunny Leone who seem to be well-endowed known indeed.  
Now that you've 'lmao-ed', go visit his empty vessel which is anything but empty.


P.S: As much as it seems like it, he did not pay me to write the good bits in the intro:P

The Miffed Spiff

There is this person whose blog I chanced upon in the middle of the night and got hooked so hard I spent my waking hours reading every single goddamn post of hers. So distinctly Malayali-sh yet so polished, she caused me to cry of laughter-induced stomach pain. That sardonic wit that so few people master coupled with a definitive opinion on topics make her a writer you will keep going back to for more, like an abused wife (for lack of a better expression):P She's also one of those few bloggers who take the time to read your post thoroughly and comment, not for the sake of comments or traffic, but gives considered opinions. It makes you want to trust her:)


Presenting to you, the grammar Nazi (which makes me re-check all my spelling on my comments on her blog and mails to her), the lady with the sinfully-sexy-chocolate-cake baking skills, a foodie who I'll admit to be even more fanatic than Joey and myself, a self-proclaimed cheergirl for Virgo, AN AWESOME writer..


And one of the blog owners who make it in onto my top-ten-most-favorite-blogs-EVER-list,
Spaceman Spiff.
Thank you milady, for being so kind as to write me a post:)

I’m going through a phase where Facebook bores me no end. I still log on to check updates, but I’m past the stage where my life depends on it. I figured out that, after all, I don’t have anything interesting to share with so many people. 

When I logged on the other day, someone on my friend list (I won’t call him friend, because he’s not. He’s there because we happened to study together in college. I didn't talk to him much even then. No, I’m not a snob, he’s an ass. We haven’t exchanged even a single greeting on FB) had put up a really sad status message. Come to think of it, he always puts up sad status messages. And sad here reads ‘LOSER’.

Something about how he’s unfriending people from his list because when he got online, even though there were over 100 friends online, only around 20 pinged him. Other status messages of his talked about how everybody is back-biting him, how people he trusts are cheating him, how he doesn't trust girls because they are all cheats and bitches, that someone very close to him used him and that God won’t forgive them. I got so tired of his status updates that, finally, I unfriended him myself.

Was it so hard for him to see that the problem was with his own attitude, and not the rest of the world? The worst part was that for the 100-friends-online-only-20-pinged status update, there were actually people who liked it!!! Dude! There are actually people who encourage such sort of behaviour?!

So anyways, the point I’m trying to make is, there are certain people on FB who will like just about any status message. It’s like a reflex action for them. “Status message: hit ‘Like’ button”. As though on auto-pilot. I can understand if the update is genuinely interesting, but for extremely silly messages, I cannot fathom it. Are they getting paid to like it? Maybe my definition of interesting differs from others’, I don’t know.

So here is a list of status updates that I feel don’t deserve to/ shouldn’t be liked. These are just my views.

1) Met with an accident. Fractured legs. Please pray for me.

What exactly do you like about this message? That the person met with an accident? Or he/she has fractured bones? Or that your prayers matter? Hmmm? Please tell me, I want to know.         

2) Having 104 degree fever. Admitted in Yashoda hospital.

You’re a sadist if you like this one. Or are you merely appreciating the fact that in spite of being ill and in the hospital, the person took time and energy out to post it on FB? That seems to be the only sensible explanation. 

3) For those of you who didn’t know, my grandfather passed away. R.I.P.

First of all, it’s Rest In Peace, not R.I.P. (Whenever I see R.I.P, I get the mental image of a someone ripping apart a piece of cloth with their hands). And second of all, his grandfather passed away, he isn’t back from the grave that you should like the update. Also, a kick in the ass for the guy for posting something like this on a social networking site. 

4) Lost my walletL

Someone on my friend list had put this up. And got some 20 likes on it. The logic eludes me…

5) (On a small town’s community page) So-and-so person passed away. He was a great soul.

One of my friends told me about this. I bet the only thing the ‘likers’ saw was “He’s a great soul.”

6) It’s raining. Having a cup of coffee.

So? I also have a cup of coffee when it rains. I just don’t believe in telling the whole world about it.

7) (whenever there’s a cricket match on) Sachin’s batting/ Sachin hit a half-century/Sachin out at 99 L/ Dhoni fielding well/ Dhoni adjusting his cap/ Dhoni scratching his ass/Yuvi rocks/ Yuvi’s drinking water/ Yuvi spat out the water. Wow!!

Err.. do you know the difference between status update and running commentary?

8) Good morning/ good night.

What is it about good morning and good night that you like so much?

9) On my way back to Timbuctoo/ Reached Jhumrithalaiyya.

Ok, if it’s a holiday that this person has gone to, I can understand the likes. But for a person who travels 15 days a month, do you really have to like it each and every time he/she announces arrival and departure?  

10) Google+ is awesome!

You’re on Facebook, and you’re promoting Google+. That’s just unethical! This one, I’m SURE you were paid to like.

Ouch! I can almost feel the brickbats falling on me!

Escape!!!


Spaceman Spiff blogs at Senseless Sense? Or Sensible Nonsense?

P.S: I have a crush on her tagline 'I don't wanna follow, I don't wanna lead. I just wanna lead life at my own speed'. Huge crush.

The 'First Avenue' Take On Life

TheGirlAtFirstAvenue: One of my first blog friends, one that look up to and admire; she has got her own unique style, seemingly random but most placidly sensible. She gives us light tidbits about her fabulous life, always ending on a note that has us thinking about those smaller things in life that matter so much but we hardly notice. 
And don't even get me started on her taste in clothes - she eez purrfecto fashionista. Practical but so very very pretty/classy. A lot of other fashion blogs carry fashions that we can hardly carry off on the street but hers are always so... wearable. I'm still waiting for a chance to beg a wardrobe-makeover off her.
All in all an pretty awesome blogger, don't you think?
And the best part? She agreed to guest post for me:) Thank you Milady<3
Here's presenting TheGirlAtFirstAvenue to you!

It is such a great pleasure to write a post for someone as talented a writer as Priyanka! Writing a guest post always terrifies me because writing nonsense on your blog is one thing, but writing nonsense for someone else's blog is a sure-shot way to spiral down and fall on your butt. What if she doesn't like it? What if her readers hate it? What if? What if? What if? Life's hard i tell you. The pressure of writing a sensible, witty post. Especially when you've never ever done that. Not even close.

If I had a rupee for every post that has been written on/about 'life' in the whole of blogosphere, I'd be a billionaire by now. So the big question is, what else is left to write about it that hasn't already been written? Well, if you had been concentrating properly on 'Life's Lessons' (clearly, you haven't) which are available in plenty all around you, you would know that there is a lot more to be said.

Better pay attention to what I am going to teach you because this, my friends, is going to save your life. On more than one occasion. I.mean.it.

And yes, you're welcome.

Some important terms to remember with-not-so-easy abbreviations and definitions.

GABI: Grin And Bear It (Careful about the DSTM. Cheek muscles can be quite tender)

DSTM: Don't Strain Too Much (A muscle pull can be quite painful you know, especially when you've pulled a muscle you didn't know you had in the first place)

DTAT: Don't Think About Tomorrow (In fact, don't think about today either. No thinking at all is a definite advantage)

DITS: Denial Is The Saviour! (It can also get you into big trouble sometimes, so use wisely)

STTA: Sleep Through The Anxiety (20 hours a day is good work!)

CT,DB: Clench Teeth, Deep Breath (Bonus: Can be used individually also!)

PSOF: Plaster Smile On Face (Again, careful about DSTM. Apart from that, it works like a charm)

DYD: Distract Yourself Desperately (See MWSY and BWT)

NGT!: No Guilt Trips! (Tempting, I know, but you can do it! Use DYD, STTA, and DITS for best results)

MWSY: Music Will Save You (It will. Trust me)

BWT: Books Will Too (See above)

DSODH: (I know, I know, it gets complicated. But this is important! Pay attention!) Develop Streak Of Dark Humour. Muhahahaha. (Practicing evil laughter also helps)

NMP: Not My Problem (Think that, and it'll stop being your problem. Its as simple as that. Really)

L: Laugh

And finally,

WIYBAPATSDYCST: (Quite obvious isn't it) Write In Your Blog And Ponder About The Sad Depths You Can Sink To.

Feel free to add a few more. We could all write a book and become co-authors and give all those self-help books' authors a run for their money. Ahh.. I can already see the crisp notes raining on us. Do come up with a few... Make me proud!
- TheGirlAtFirstAvenue

GUEST POST!!

It's a cold, rainy night with the week looming ominously ahead and I have my first guest post ready.


Red Handed has kindly agreed to write for me and give my blog some credibility. You have, in all probability, already seen her around, for she is everywhere. If you haven't, SHAME on you, head right over and don't come back till you have read at least five of her posts. And if you aren't impressed, then you need to get your head checked.


Her work speaks for itself; she is a writer who'll have you in splits. She is out-spoken and calls a spade a spade, no fussy nonsense for Ms.Red, nosiree:) The mystery of her identity adds to the charm (biting my knuckles to keep from asking:P) and I respect that about her. Thanks, girl!!


So anyway, here goes, in the words of Red Handed.


So many movies are releasing this year, aren't they ? Delhi Belly, Buddha Hoga Tera Baap, Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara and this Diwali it is DON 2 with many other chasing. So much so that I am literally having problems sewing the hole it's making in my pocket. The weekend has been a rather dull one, so I started making categories and placing our stars under them. Below are the few kinds of heroes Bollywood feeds us with.


1)      The Arm Spreader - These heroes will always show off their signature-arm spreading and waist-tilting pose in all the movies they pop in. Be it the 'running around a tree' song or Naniji breathing her last or the heroine running at sloth pace across the barley field, our hero will do his thing.

2) The Puppy Face - Those falling in this category are perfect for chicklits. They make the girls drool and say ‘AWWW’ at every little expression they manage to make. Their face which screams ‘INNOCENT’ and their Asian-paint-white complexion help them survive in the industry. Producers are the reason behind their successes i.e if any.

3) The Once In A Blue Moon- They belong to the category which manage to define the term ‘ACTING’. They are the dark horses with some hit films in their pocket. They choose the script carefully, give an appearance and then vanish into thin air, only to be found a year or two later. They give us productive stuff rather than the watch-and-forget-it-was-ever-made type. We rarely get to thump our head on the desk after watching the film. 

4) The Acrobat - They are super humans a.k.a Rajnikant devotees. They need stunts in their film to make it a blockbuster hit. They jump from towers, save random aunties from burning homes, run faster than a horse and even kill twenty rowdies unarmed.

5) The Troublemaker - This one is always under the media microscope and always ends up at the wrong place at the wrong time. Killing a black buck, driving over sleeping souls, family feuds or clashes with co-stars, they always have the media looming over them and the courts too. But we still worship them.

6) The Clone - They might not have thought of it, or might not have even tried it out, but we have dumped them in this category. They might have tried to leave a mark or force their own individuality on screen, but it always makes us say ‘Abey! Ye to Hrithik ki nakal utaar raha hai!!’ or ‘Dekh, Sharukh ka bhai!’ Poor them! Tch, tch…

7) The Toddlers - The toddlers are holding on only because of their ex-superstar dads and uncles. They rarely make it in the lead role of the movies nor do they manage to leave even a trace of their existence. The dad guarantees that ‘beta humara naam roshan karega’. 

8) The Resurrected - They couldn't reach half their current success rate during their time, but after years and years of being hidden, they finally emerged as superstars. Now it's their time and almost every third movie casts them.

9) The Immortal - He will not let go! He will not accept that he is old! He and his family cover 75% of cine-gossip and still makes it as the actor in the leading role. If you ask him why he is still here, he will scan you down and say “Buddha hoga tera baap”

10) The Greek Gods - Well, they make women blackout! Their body is literally carved out of marble! Perfect jaw line, sketched out abs and biceps, hawk eyes, together with melt-the-soul smile and charm, they have it all. If they are on screen, the audience is there. Women are there to salivate and men to get jealous and run as fast as coyotes to the gym.

And there ends Redhanded's categories on actors, hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I did!

Thanks girl!!:)

To read more from Redhanded, click here.